Thought provoking…

*Grudges and Forgiveness
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Dr. LeslieBeth Wish*

If you’re like myself and many of my clients, you find forgiveness a difficult prospect. Big questions such as “When is it too late to ask for an apology?”, “Is forgiveness necessary for personal and spiritual growth?”, and “Should someone apologize for being truthful?” complicate the process.

Of course, most of us do not hold grudges and ask for apologies on such a grand scale. Yet, we certainly can tell stories about the rifts in our families. For example, brothers don’t speak to brothers because business ventures went belly up. Or, siblings squabble over inheritances. Even worse, families break up when they take sides over the guilt or innocence of an abusing parent.

The offended and the offenders present compelling explanations, but the offended are often the ones who feel that they are left holding the hot potato question: Should I forgive-or forgive, forget or forsake the relationship forever. My clients suffer long-term anguish over this dilemma.

Most religions promote forgiveness. The message is that forgiveness heals wounds, brings people together, allows for human error and advances each party’s emotional and spiritual growth.

As you read this, you might be pondering whether to forgive your mother, sibling or colleague. And, like most people, you might also be feeling a mix of guilt and outrage at the same time. I wish I could give you a definitive answer about what to do. Even in my profession of mental health, there is division about the better approach. In my many years of counselling people, I’ve seen leaps in personal and family growth occur from both positions. The best I can offer is this guide. Ultimately, you must decide, based on your circumstances and religious beliefs, whether to forgive or not.

Grudge Guide: To Forgive or Not to Forgive

1. There can actually be benefits of holding a grudge and withholding forgiveness. If you are the kind of person who rarely speaks up or who always thinks that he or she is usually wrong or undeserving, then holding a grudge can forge a new way of thinking about others and their responsibility for a given situation. For example, you might find some untapped strength in yourself. Use your “grudge time” to review the situation. Talk about it with others, including counselling or religious professionals. Test your viewpoint.

Ask yourself: What lesson have I learned about not speaking my mind? Why do I let others disrespect me?

2. Get a perspective. The feeling that someone has done you wrong may be justified, but just because you feel something doesn’t mean your behaviour has to match your feelings. We make similar assessments all the time. For example, wise parents know to pick their battles with their teenager. If the hurt is deeper, then think about how you want to handle it. Here are some steps to take after you’ve got a more level head.

Ask yourself: Did I contribute to this problem? Why did this person do what they did? If you aren’t sure about what happened, tell the story to a trusted friend, partner, counsellor or religious leader. Write out the incident and see what emerges. Sometimes, the act of writing can yield surprises.

3. Consider your position temporary. People grow and change. Hindsight, time and a fresh view, for instance, might soften your previous stance. You don’t have to maintain your old view. There’s no point or benefit of holding a grudge for the sake of being angry. Don’t hold onto to past hurts in order to protect and justify your actions or feelings.

4. Develop a strategy. Forgiveness is a very personal decision, and few situations are identical. Here a few of the approaches that worked for my clients.

Identify your religious beliefs. For example, some people believe that forgiveness, rather than diminishing your sense of self-worth, actually enhances it. Forgiveness, in their eyes, is a higher order of human relating. There is a famous story about a family in Italy who encountered bandits who robbed them and murdered family members. The parents forgave the robbers—and even donated an organ to save one of their lives.

Decide whether this person or issue is important enough for you to “open that can of worms.”

Weigh the pros and cons of discussing the issue. Decide whether you still want a relationship with this person. Confronting the person can end in several outcomes: It might end the relationship, solidify your negative assessment of the offender, leave you without a resolution or foster a better relationship and help the person to grow.

Think about how you might change your interactions. For example, some people limit or shorten their visits. Other people decide to “step back” in their hearts and choose to continue the relationship but not be as close.

Discuss the issue with the offender and offer this person the opportunity to change or apologize. Ask the offender: How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? What would you do about it? Often, the person’s response will guide you.

5. Don’t be afraid to open old but serious wounds that you haven’t acted on. Sometimes we look back and can’t figure out why we never dealt with an issue; however, delayed action is not necessarily unwise behaviour. Sometimes, people are not even aware that someone has actually hurt them!

Battered women, for example, may come to the realization that they are not the cause of the battering until later. Battered women are often too willing to offer forgiveness to their abusers and not expect or ask for change in the abuser’s behaviour. Years later—and perhaps many counselling hours later, the woman sees the light and is finally able to be angry.

Good share bhai. Aap kitni book padhte ho bhai?

BUTTERFLYBOY wrote:

Good share bhai. Aap kitni book padhte ho bhai?

aap jaise bhai, dost , uncle log emails bhej deten hain.

Are monthly EMIs a strain on your finances? Tips to plan them

http://articles.economictimes.indiatimes.com/20…

UPA’S CRISIS
The Manmohan Singh government has lost its reformist instincts and permitted mega loot of the country.

http://newsinsight.net/UPA%E2%80%99scrisis.aspx…

How to recognize a Desi on return to India from first visit to son /daughter working in the US of A…….

20. Carries Mineral Water.

19. Sprays Deo liberally.

18. When someone sneezes says ‘God Bless’

17. Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”.
“Yogurt” instead of “Curd”.
“Cab” instead of “Taxi”.
“Candy” instead of “Mithai / Chocolate”.
“Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”.
“Gotta Go” instead of “Have To Go”.
“Oh” instead of “Zero”, (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Complains about air pollution every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles and counts in Millions.

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but in his mind multiplies by 56 …..now 60 times !!!).

13. Looks for the % of fat on the cover of a milk packet.

12. Calls the alphabet Z , as “Zee” !!.

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY & on seeing DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!

10. Even after a month complains about jet lag.

09. Avoids eating chilli (hot) stuff.

08. Drinks only Diet Coke and not regular Coke.

07. Complains about everything in India especially the traffic, filth etc. etc..

06. Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule”, and “module” as “Mojule”.

05. Looks suspiciously at Hotel / Dhaba food.

04. From his luggage, does not remove the tags of foreign Airlines by which he travelled

03. Both mother and father have brand new baggy blue jeans and sports shoes…probably Nike !!

And finally :-

01. Begins all conversation with “In the US ….” or “When I was in US…”

If returned from Australia:-

Begins all conversation with “In Sydney ….” or “When I was in Sydney…”

I am an Indian… and these make me more so…..

When the shampoo bottle seems to be over, I pour some water in it, shake it, and use it for another couple of baths.

A toothpaste isn’t over until I’ve entirely flattened it out and started rolling it up from the back.

I buy broccoli and avocados for 300 Rupees, but still ask for some dhaniya patta for free.

I don’t just recycle gifts, I recycle the gift-wrapping paper too.

When a bulb gets fused we move it around trying to get the filament to join again

I worry about price of gold without any intention of buying it!
I will beat the crap out of my TV remote to make it work but not change the battery

We get cheesed off if the Gol Gappa guy doesn’t give a free sukha puri in the end when I ask for one.

When my T-shirt gets old, I use it as night wear, when it gets older, I play holi in it & then I use it as a pochha.

I ask for extra oregano and chili flakes from the Dominos guy, so that I can use them later in my Maggi noodles at home .

“God Bless” reason – Some myths believe that sneezing bring out the bad spirits from our body, and “God Bless you” is blessing for the spirit

The scientific reason is that , ur heart stops for a milli micro second when u sneeze,
Hence the blessings.

But Science may not have prescribed to say “God Bless You” …..

Thanks for the fact Barood Bhai, didn’t knew

pennychaser wrote:

But Science may not have prescribed to say “God Bless You” …..

Thanks for the fact Barood Bhai, didn’t knew

ya that is Behaviour Science..!

Bill Morgan was an Australian Truck driver. He had an accident at his workplace which created a rare heart condition in his body.

Bill took medication for his heart condition however it turned out he was allergic to it and the allergy had a fatal effect in him and he was declared dead for 14 minutes. However, the doctors managed to revive him and he went into a coma. For 12 days, he stayed in a coma. His doctors advised his family members to unplug his life support TWICE.

Amazingly, Bill woke up from his coma after 12 days without any damage to his body whatsoever. Soon after waking up, he went to a job interview and landed the job. He proposed to his girlfriend and she accepted. He wanted to celebrate all these and so he bought a lottery ticket. When he scratched the ticket, he realized that he had won a brand new car.

A local TV station was so impressed with Bill’s story. They sent a crew to do a story on him. The team thought that it would be great if they could re-enact Bill’s purchase of the lottery ticket. So, they asked him to buy a new ticket on camera. Now, guess what. In the ticket that Bill bought for the TV program, he ended up winning $250,000 dollars. The whole thing was captured on live TV.

How do you expect going from dead to winning a car and $250,000 dollars from lottery in a matter of 2 months?

Greenland takes as much space on the map as Africa, when in reality Africa’s area is 14 times greater and Greenland’s is comparable to Algeria’s alone.

Stranger is the fact that no one has ever cared to tell this about 2-D representation of our 3-D world. Gerardus Mercator trolling since 1569.

Lal Bihari,

a farmer form Uttar Pradesh India, officially declared dead, fought with Indian Government and bureaucracy from 1976 to 2004 to prove that he is alive. One of his failed attempt included standing for election against Rajiv Gandhi, former Prime Minister of India, in 1989. He lost the elections and remained officially dead. He founded ‘association of the dead’ that has over 20,000 members today. As of 2004, 4 of these members have been declared alive including Lal Bihari.⁵

Management Thought – Child

“Aditya, you‘ve worked with two of the brightest guys we have, Swami and Sundeep. Do you see any difference between them?”

“Oh, tons. The key is short-cuts. Swami will never take a short-cut. Sundeep will always find reasons and method to beat the system. Swami is a horse for the long race.”

“Who will you back, if you had a choice?”

“Undoubtedly Swami, because he has virtues of CHILD.”

“Child,” queried Mona.

“Yes, because of his Commitment, Honesty, Integrity, Leadership and Dedication. I would rate him higher than Sundeep on most of these,” elaborated Adity as the car drove into the lobby of the hotel.

From “If God was a Banker” by Ravi Subramanian

Management Thought – Success is not forever and failure isn’t fatal

Don Shula, Head coach of Miami Dolphins, had a twenty four hour rule. He allowed himself, his coaches and his players a maximum of twenty four hours after a football game to celebrate a victory or bemoan a defeat. During that time they were encouraged to experience the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat as deeply as possible. Once the twenty four hours deadline had passed, they put it behind them and focused their energies on preparing for the next opponents. This is a principle well worth noting.

Don’t get a big head when you win or get too down in the dumps when you lose. Keep things in perspective. Success isn’t forever and failure isn’t fatal.

From “The Heart of a Leader” by Ken Blanchard

The only person, after our parents and teachers, who keeps motivating us to keep moving ahead, is…
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The BEST Bus conductor:

“chala…….pudhe chala… madhye thambu naka

Bhikhari: Daadi roti dijiye khane ke liye.!

Daadi : Abhi taiyaar nahi hai,Baad me aana.!

Bhikhari : Ye mera cell number hai,Taiyaar hote hi miss call de dena.!

Bhikhari rocks Daadi shocks..

Daadi : Are number kya lena,Thodi der ke baad jab chapati ban jaegi to Youtube par upload kar dungi download kar k khanaaa…

Now Daadi rocks bhikhari shocks..

@B@R_0_0_D wrote:@

Bhikhari: Daadi roti dijiye khane ke liye.!

Daadi : Abhi taiyaar nahi hai,Baad me aana.!

Bhikhari : Ye mera cell number hai,Taiyaar hote hi miss call de dena.!

Bhikhari rocks Daadi shocks..

Daadi : Are number kya lena,Thodi der ke baad jab chapati ban jaegi to Youtube par upload kar dungi download kar k khanaaa…

Now Daadi rocks bhikhari shocks..

Now @B@R_0_0_D rocks

@B@R_0_0_D
itne saare posts kahan se pakad ke laate hain aap?

@rose

sab khinche chale ate hain, jaise ki chumbak ho, bahut clean karna padta hain, show piece me rakhne ke liye.. still > 5000 e-mails are pending

(whatsapp, yahoogroup, emails, imgur, quora, facebook, newsbulletin, friends and dimers etc.)

Why You Might Just Be a Perfectionist
Liisa Kyle

I understand. You’re not a perfectionist. You’re just picky. Or ‘hard on yourself’. Or you ‘have high standards’. Or you like things to be done properly.

• Guess what?

· · If you’re emails, tweets & Facebook posts are free of spelling mistakes, you just might be a perfectionist.

· · If you noticed the typo in the previous sentence, you might just be a perfectionist.

· · If you get frustrated fast when you are learning a new skill and haven’t quite got the hang of it yet, you just might be a perfectionist.

· · If you have a wonderful dinner party…and you find yourself beating yourself up after your guests leave when you realise you forgot to serve the grapes with the hand-dipped chocolates…you just might be a perfectionist.

· · If you ignore a dozen terrific reviews to fret about the one lousy write-up you got, you just might be a perfectionist.

· · If your loved ones are hesitant to show you their creations, you just might be a perfectionist.

· · If you score 96% on something…and yet you feel a tad disappointed, you just might be a perfectionist.

• What’s in a label?

No-one likes to be labelled. Nobody enjoys thinking of themselves as anything but their unique self. In this case, however, the value of the label “perfectionist” is that it alerts you to patterns of behaviour that are (a) hurting yourself and (b) hurting others around you. The label per se isn’t important — but what is key is that you are aware of how this concept is affecting you.

• How does Perfectionism affect you?

1. It generates excessive stress.
If you’re picky, hard on yourself or have high standards, you’re putting yourself under excessive stress. You’re probably toiling, rather than working. You’re making life much more difficult than it needs to be.

2. It puts those around you under excessive stress.
I promise you that if you are stressing over something, you are not doing so solo, in a vacuum. You are leaking stress onto everyone with whom you come in contact — your colleagues, your friends, your family, your pets and innocent passersby as well. Think of the family member you snapped at or the slow cashier you stomped away from. When you’re stressed out, you leave few in your wake unscathed.

3. It makes you judgmental.
You may think you are open to experience, tolerant of others and otherwise zen. And perhaps you’re all of those things to some extent. But part of being perfectionistic is a process of constantly evaluating yourself. And others. And how things are done — or should be done. You frequently make judgments — especially when things unfold differently from your expectations.

4. Fear and anxiety are your constant companions.
You fret. You worry. You’re afraid of how things are unfolding. This takes its toll physically, psychologically, professionally and socially. Think of the ‘nervous Nellies’ you know. How healthy are they? How pleasant to be around? Think of them as mirrors.

5. You tend to be a pessimist.
You tend to expecting the worse (I’ll never finish and if even if I do, this is going to be terrible). When negative events do happen, you tend to extrapolate and exaggerate them. (See? I didn’t get the part. I’m a lousy actor. I’m a complete failure. My whole life is a waste. I’m worthless).

6. You’re a control freak.
You expend a lot of energy trying to control outcomes, regardless of whether or not you actually have any power to affect how things unfold. Part of fretting or worrying, for example, is a false way of attempting to control the future. It’s as if your subconscious believes that if you pay your dues by worrying enough about it, it’ll turn out alright. I promise you, it’s going to turn out the way it’s going to turn out…regardless of how much you worry or don’t worry.

7. Contentment is rare and fleeting.
You are rarely satisfied with yourself and with circumstances. Even when things turn out magnificently, your happiness is brief.

• So what’s a perfectionist to do?

1. Be aware.
Monitor yourself for signs of stress, fear, anxiety and pessimism. Notice when you judge yourself or others. Realise when you are trying to control the situation…or others. Observe your effect on others.

2. Interrupt perfectionistic behaviours.
When you catch yourself judging or controlling or fretting…stop. Pat yourself on the back for recognizing your perfectionism when it happens.

3. Aim for ‘good enough’ rather than perfect.
Life is imperfect. It’s impossible for everything to be ideal in every moment in every life domain. Learn to loosen your very high standards so that you are content with ‘good enough’ rather than making yourself crazy striving for perfection.

4. Practice acceptance.
Learn how to accept your situation as it is, accept others as they are…and also to accept yourself especially when you feel you’re falling short in some way.

5. Learn to relax.
By learning meditation and relaxation techniques, you will disrupt the stress and fear that underlies perfectionistic behaviours.

6. Be kind to yourself.
Perfectionists are notorious for beating themselves up — for being hard on themselves. Counter this by treating yourself well. Try the carrot instead of the stick to motivate yourself. Savour frequent simple pleasures. Ensure your life is well balanced. Live healthfully.

Speaking of Nirvana… here’s a painting of Kurt Cobain I’ve been working on…

“Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don’t wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it’s at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored. ”

~Earl Nightingale