Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

Corporate Jokes (To make us light)

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This emails sent by my friend PR

3 PARROTS

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. "Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.

But the other two call him " BOSS"!!

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sent by my friend MKK

At an Airport

A guy was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walked in and sat down at the table next to him.

He decided, by her make-up and hair, she was probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decided to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flew for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leant across to her and said the Delta Airlines motto:

“We love to fly and it shows.”

The woman looked at him blankly.

He sat back and thought up another line. He leant forward again and delivered the Air France motto:

“Winning the hearts of the world.”

Again she just stared at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tried again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

“Going beyond expectations.”

The woman looked at him sternly and said:

“What the f*ck do you want?”

“Ah!” he said, sitting back with a smile on his face:

“Ryanair.”
https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif

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Deal Newbie
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Lol Keep it coming https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif

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hahahahaa awesome stuff!!

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Thanks mraj for liking it !

ad bot
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I found this sponsored content on one of the ad networks.

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Multi-tasking

I was at an airport recently and I saw something that left me startled. At the boarding gate, a man was talking on the phone that was tucked between his ear and his shoulder. He was punching keys on another phone with one hand and was carrying a bag in the other hand. When he reached the security counter, he dipped one hand in his pocket and showed his boarding pass. He was still talking on the phone and holding his bag as he did all this. He got into the connecting bus, ended the call and started to grope his pockets, looking for his boarding pass. His face turned from worry to relief when he found it.

Then in a few moments, after finishing another phone call, he frantically started searching his bag for something and let out a string of curses. Between the strings of profanity the words I could catch were, “I left my laptop at the screening!” Then, there was a racket as the man wanted the bus to turn around so he could get back his laptop. He left when we alighted and I was looking out for him until the doors to the aircraft closed. The man did not return.

This is a perfect example of the side effects of multitasking—errors, forgetfulness, foul moods, unpredictable breakdowns and stress [not to mention, inconvenience to others].

Myth: multitasking helps us achieve more

Multitasking is supposed to be a solution to help us meet the ever-increasing demands on our time. But there’s no greater fallacy than that. If you are the kind of person that I just described whose attention is scattered over multiple tasks, then you are headed for disaster as there’s another side to multitasking—one that quietly nibbles away your sanity, your health and your peace.

Our vision is divided into focal vision and peripheral vision. When we focus our sight on something, it gets primary attention. The objects in the background go into the peripheral vision and get secondary attention. But if we take the primary focus away as we do our work, then all tasks fall in the peripheral vision and get secondary attention. Any task that is done with secondary attention lacks passion or excellence. It is work done; not necessarily, work well done. This alone beats the purpose of multitasking.

I came across this interesting piece of research, which said that just picking up your phone for a few seconds to check an SMS while doing a task causes you to lose your original trail of attention. And it takes 11 minutes for you to regain focus. So can you imagine the kind of mediocre output a distracted mind produces?

When your attention is scattered, work is executed with so much stress that there is no sense of achievement when you finish, because the moment one task gets over, you start worrying about the next one [which is usually undone].

Dividing your attention among multiple tasks is an invitation to mistakes that could have repercussions on other people’s careers too. Trying to do multiple things at a time also affects your memory because it’s difficult to remember which task you did not pay full attention to. Forgetfulness and delays become common. You are no better than a headless chicken. This not only takes a toll on your job, but it also erodes your reputation and relationships—people can no longer trust that you will remember to do the task. Reminders replace conversations and a great relationship divide ensues. Multitasking is the perfect recipe for job dissatisfaction and emotional confusion.

Those who take pride in multitasking are usually foul in temperament. This is because their attention is still hung up on work—their minds are constantly trying to figure what is done and what is not. This prevents them from being happy and makes them impatient and aggressive.

To do any task well, you need to give it full attention. If you don’t give undivided attention to your work, you will be thrown off the track of success. The attitude of ‘doing something and doing it until it is completely done’ will take you a long way. If other tasks crop up in your way, delegate them. If you can’t delegate, schedule them for later. Doing more work won’t bring you success; excelling in what you do will. Be reasonable in your timelines. It is better to be clear about your work and the time it will take to execute than to commit to unreal demands.

Your primary purpose at work and at anything else you do is to progress and to be happy. Multitasking is the enemy of both. It may get your job done, but it won’t give you satisfaction.
https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif

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Microsoft Keyboard of the future

https://i.imgur.com/d8isw.jpg

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Speeding Ticket

https://i.imgur.com/tcQVT.jpg

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Role Reversal

https://i.imgur.com/3PIvG.jpg

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How to correct a Word document

https://i.imgur.com/LMRip.jpg

Images
Deal Major
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vu nice thread barood brohttp://cdn0.desidime.com/smileys/yJWi0.gif

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Deal Subedar
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good one’s

adding another 1

20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company’s software is running the aircraft’s automatic pilot system. 19 of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed.Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: “If it’s the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane won’t even take off.”

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Deal Subedar
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Couple of more..

  • A Project Manager is the one who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.
  • An Onsite Coordinator is the one who thinks 1 woman can deliver 9 babies in 1 month.
  • A Developer is the one who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver 1 baby.
  • A Marketing Manager is the one who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
  • A Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.
  • A Tester is the one who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.
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A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a week.” The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The guy said, “Listen, I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

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Fans Gaye re frog baba !.

Dsc05536
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@[email protected]_0_0_D wrote:@

How to correct a Word document

https://i.imgur.com/LMRip.jpg


Lolz…. hahahaha…….

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Deal Subedar
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Few More..

After each flight, planes are inspected by pilots and any findings are noted for the engineers… Some notes and their respective resolutions by the engineers..:-}

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

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At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, ‘We apologise for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.’

Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, ‘We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC’s physical fitness programme.’

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Work Break

https://i.imgur.com/dET66.jpg
https://cdn2.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_smile.gif

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Espresso: The Great INDIAN Style

Think of pressure cooker and hot COSTA coffee …….made in INDIA!

Simply Brilliant Innovation!

https://i.imgur.com/6BMf2.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/nontL.jpg

https://i.imgur.com/aFI16.jpg

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Who is he ?

https://i.imgur.com/oaseC.jpg

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New Company Laptop Policy

Dear Employees,

Please find below the revised Corporate Laptop Policy Version 7.9. This will supercede all previous laptop-related policy documents or directives except the “Do not open CEO cabin suddenly when he is using laptop” directive of 2008.

Note: Employees of Grade 6 and above, in our branch offices only, will receive a new addendum, “Part 3: Replacement Charger”, to this policy that will supercede this original policy itself, from next Wednesday. However, you are still required to sign a copy of this document and send it to Corporate HR not later than next Friday.

It has always been this company’s policy to give its employees all the tools needed to perform their jobs with maximum efficiency. With this in mind we have been issuing laptops to several key employees.

However, it has been brought to the management’s notice of late that several employees have been abusing this facility. Last Tuesday, a laptop belonging to the internal audit team was repeatedly run through a paper shredder by mistake. (All members of the internal audit team have now left the services of our company due to personal reasons. Internal audit will henceforth be solely handled directly by the CEO and CFO.)

This behaviour is disappointing and detrimental to the company’s financial well-being. While contemporary laptops have become cheap, the new laptops currently being issued to employees were purchased in 1997. At the time funding for this required significant generation of “other income”.

In order to streamline things, changes have been made to the Corporate Laptop Policy with immediate effect.

l In order to avoid cases of theft and misplacement, employees will henceforth be required to take permission in writing from their local IT head before taking a laptop out of the office premises. A “Request For Laptop Externalization” form will be available in the server room. This form must be submitted at least three days in advance of requirement.

However, in case of emergency, employees can take the laptop with them WITHOUT a form, but must leave something of equivalent value with the security guard. Jewellery, imported watches, pens and children are acceptable as security.

Note: Terraces, balconies, and the underground parking area are considered to be OUTSIDE office premises. Management trainees please note.

l Excessive typing, clicking, touching and double-clicking have been seen to be a source of wear and tear of laptops. Maintenance costs have been increasing over the last six quarters. In order to apply better control over these costs, laptop usage will be controlled as follows:

Grades 3-1: Typing of up to 2,000 words per day. No right-clicking. One shutdown and start-up per day.

Grades 2-5: Typing of up to 5,000 words per day. No right-clicking. Seven shutdown and start-ups per day.

Grade 5 onwards: No controls.

Employees will be issued with right-click buttons ONLY after promotion to Grade 5.

l Mandating how long an employee may use his laptop is restrictive. And gives an unfair advantage to their colleagues using desktops, who are free to add value in office as long as they want to. In order to allow a level playing field, there will be no time restriction on laptop usage.

However, keeping long-term health and insurance costs in mind, employees are requested to restart their laptop after 12 continuous hours of use. During this break, employees may use desktops to avoid disruptions.

l All costs for minor laptop repairs—limited to: restarts, pressing Ctrl, Alt or Delete (not simultaneously), monitor cleaning, battery taking out and putting back in, power cord holding in one hand and shaking vigorously—will be borne by the company.

Any other costs over and above this must be borne by the employee.

l It is also possible to cause grave damage to the laptop through negligence and carelessness. We want to send a strong message to all employees regarding this. Therefore, laptop damage due to negligence will be dealt with severely as follows:

Liquids falling on machine: Barred from entering staff canteen on Mutton Biryani Wednesdays.

Machine falling in liquid: Immediate termination.

Monitor cracking less than 7cm in length: Three months’ suspension.

Monitor cracking more than 7cm in length: Immediate termination.

Up to 5 keys not working: Salary withheld for one month.

More than 5 keys not working: Immediate termination.

(Last two points do not include missing right-click button for employees below Grade 5.)

We are confident that this new policy, and the excitement of unexpected termination, will ensure a healthier, more responsible working environment for all employees.

By Order

Barood !!!
https://cdn3.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_lol.gif https://cdn3.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_lol.gif

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*Listening to consumers online and offline

Marketing strategy today has to track and act on
the information exchange happening online as well.*

*
Business Line*

Facebook, Twitter, Orkut and other online social media have attracted both consumers and marketers. Conventional consumer decision-making needs to address contemporary developments in the environment while retaining its inherent strengths.

Parle, for instance, came to know that Hippo, one of its snack offerings, was not available in certain retail outlets through social media. Adidas had created awareness and, perhaps, enhanced consumers’ intention to buy the brand through its Facebook page. According to a Google study, 64 per cent of consumers were inclined to buy a brand if it responded to their queries on Twitter.

There may be several other aspects of online interfaces that may be useful for marketers, but at a fundamental level, there is a need for brands to have a framework that can integrate their offline and online strategies to address consumer decision-making.

The framework should give a brand the scope to take into account its own context (its origin, associations, premium image, competitive offerings and so on). This can be called the brand context. For example, Lipton Iced tea, positioned to youngsters as a health drink, has a different context from conventional tea such as Red Label that has been in the market for several decades. The LG and Samsung brands in several durables categories have a different context as compared to Onida that had a strong, premium edge in its initial days (during the Eighties when colour televisions were becoming very popular).

The framework for brand contexts

Broadly, the proposed framework for brands outlines four possibilities associated with the brand context, to combine the online and offline strategies.

Brands that have a history of marketing activities and have been a successful part of the environment (both FMCG and durables categories) with regard to their performance

Brands that still have a good image but have declined in terms of their performance

Brands that are new to the environment

Brands associated with the service sector (According to the latest IAMAI market study, 80 per cent of e-commerce in India is associated with booking travel tickets.)

A combination of several aspects concerning the brand context and the offline/online strategies will enable the marketer to customise the strategy for the respective offering.

Diversity of brand contexts

There can be several perspectives on how the synergy discussed earlier can be captured in the marketing context. Cleartrip.com operates in the online travel domain (a relatively new brand) with a high percentage of loyal customers. It created awareness by positioning itself on the “simplicity of online booking”. Such travel portals need to recognise that basic travel happens more on a commodity plane and holiday travel is a high-involvement category that requires both online fulfilment and offline coordination with a number of agencies/suppliers to ensure positive consumer experience and trust. Once this happens, consumer experience will spread by word of mouth in social media.

The decision-making flow in this case is identifying a need (with the appropriate segment of consumers), creating awareness both through online and offline media, have the consumers compare the options through online media (comparison in the consideration set), make them experience the positives of the holiday package (requires several offline coordination points with a variety of agencies) and then have these consumers share these experiences on Facebook or Twitter with other consumers.

Online buying has evolved with the times; earlier, security and payment issues were more a barrier for consumers interested in online transactions. Online interaction for customising the needs, delivering on the stated needs and creating awareness on the positive experience (both by the brand and the consumers) are steps towards brand-building. This is different from the brand-building associated with a brand of chocolate such as KitKat that may also use contemporary media to build brands. (It used a mobile phone-based contest in the UK).

Online aspects combined with conventional brand-building strategies are also relevant to low-involvement offerings. A biscuit such as McVitie’s, an offering with health-based ingredients, even with its international heritage, can displace a loyal consumer if it is not available in outlets where the loyal consumer shops. In this case, the need for a healthy snack has already been addressed by the purchase of the brand by the consumer. But given the low-involvement level in the category and awareness on health and fitness on online portals (from where the consumer learns about the ingredients that go into a health snack which is not fried), the consumer may try out a competitive offering such as Nutrichoice from Britannia. The trigger in this context is the online availability regarding the material on fitness (and interestingly not any brand of biscuit) and the brand image of a popular brand name (Britannia in this case) that has been built up over decades of conventional advertising.

A brand also needs to be sensitive to the behaviour of consumers at the point of purchase or consumption. A consumer in a bookshop such as Crossword may come across an interesting book and immediately compare prices on his mobile phone from Flipkart.com. He may find a better discount rate, cash on delivery, a wide inventory of titles and good customer service and this would make him order the same book from flipkart.com. An ardent reader who is in the habit of buying books frequently can get into this ritual of “browsing and buying “ which would be difficult to change.

This combination of the conventional retail store and the online store with the advances made in mobile technology poses new challenges associated with consumer decision-making. Brands such as Titan eyewear or Tanishq may soon start getting the consumer to view several types of “virtual self images” online, while the consumers browse through the collection at the retail outlet (during purchase) or spark off a trail of fantasy much before they step into the store.

Blending classic concepts with contemporary consumers is also applicable to the digital era.

https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif

Pepperfry should learn something !

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Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies

https://i.imgur.com/CMbQ7.jpg

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received
anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my
brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management
team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word
in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and
try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you
can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive
a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif
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Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO and asked him,

“Why is it you limit your employees to married men?

It must be because you consider us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous (bad-tempered & complaining a lot) or do you consider us as tantrum throwers, bossy, etc?"

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the CEO replied.

“Our policy is to hire staff:

ØWho are used to obeying orders without questioning;

Ø Who are accustomed to being shoved around;

ØKnow how to keep their mouths shut; and

ØPut up with anything when I yell at them

And we only find these qualities in Married Men.

Funny kid image
Deal Subedar
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@[email protected]_0_0_D wrote:@

Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies


https://i.imgur.com/CMbQ7.jpg



1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out
of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received
anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my
brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management
team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged
$5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word
in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and
try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you
can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive
a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif https://cdn1.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_biggrin.gif


hahaha.. all were greatt.. I’m planning to use one of them.. https://cdn3.desidime.com/assets/textile-editor/icon_wink.gif

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Company Talks

1.“We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.“You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.“We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”

4.“Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means "It’s not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”

5.“After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.“There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.“Let’s call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.“We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.“We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means “We had actually fought”

11.“Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.“You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.“We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.“Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.“We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.“That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.“All the Best” means “You are in trouble”.

Be a great dj
Deal Hunter
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@[email protected]_0_0_D wrote:@

Company Talks



1.“We will do it” means “You will do it”




2.“You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”




17.“All the Best” means “You are in trouble”.


ROFL http://cdn0.desidime.com/smileys/mwljg.gifhttp://cdn0.desidime.com/smileys/mwljg.gif
Some karma to u for this post !! [email protected]_0_0_D Sir http://cdn0.desidime.com/smileys/ssydj.gif

Missing