The Toxic Relationships You Should Avoid

The Toxic Relationships You Should Avoid

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How a Kerala Collector became a Facebook hit
| Biju Govind

http://m.thehindu.com/news/national/kerala/how-...

The architect of the Kozhikode food coupons programme now has 2 lakh followers
Even celebrities would envy this: The Facebook page of a young District Collector who captured the imagination of an entire State with an innovative idea to help the hungry, has drawn over 2 lakh respondents and followers in just under a year.

Kozhikode District Collector, N. Prasanth, who assumed office in February 2015, uses the page to bounce out-of-the box ideas off the public.

Click Here!
Unlike similar official pages, this one does not post pictures of the Collector’s programmes; no self promotion, just utility-based posts. It aids crowd sourcing and mass mobilisation.

“We sorted out the immediate requirements of the mental hospital here in a matter of weeks, bypassing cumbersome government procedures. Contributions were accepted only in kind. Mass mobilisation by offering biriyani to those who helped clean the district’s ponds was another effort,” says Mr. Prasanth, who is popular on social media as Collector Bro.

Operation Sulaimani

What brought global fame was Compassionate Kozhikode, a platform to get people to feed the poor. Under Operation Sulaimani (named after a local tea recipe), several local restaurants ensure that no city inhabitant has to go hungry. The beneficiaries just need to collect a food coupon kept by a donor in a box, and get a decent meal in any of these restaurants. There is no need to beg and about ten thousand meals have been served so far.

These and other initiatives have found a resonance far beyond the Collector’s district. When the State Government reportedly considered transferring him out last year, it had to drop the idea to avoid a mass local agitation.

Mr. Prasanth, who is 35, says improving transparency and quality of governance is the key. “A lot of people frequent Facebook now, and being able to use Malayalam has added to the potential. It is a great feeling when someone comes with a petition and mentions that he has sent me a complaint the day before on Facebook. We check and mostly find it has already been resolved. The citizen satisfaction is boundless,” he says.

But it is demanding. “It is a challenge to handle the traffic as I have to do it hands on. That’s crucial to credibility. This is not a celebrity page that could be outsourced. And it’s the direct communication that makes it different. The Collector Kozhikode page engages,” he says.

Some of Mr. Prasanth’s other projects include Legends of Kozhikode, a documentation of hidden stories and anecdotes. Kozhipedia is an Open Streetmap-based initiative on streets, folklore, cultural and natural heritage of Kozhikode and Savarigiri, provides students using public transport ‘security and dignity’.

The Internationale Tourismus-Börse, Germany, chose Compassionate Kozhikode as one of 50 inspirational global projects.

@cybertechie
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Dr. Travis Bradberry

Coauthor Emotional Intelligence 2.0 & President at TalentSmart
The Toxic Relationships You Should Avoid Like the Plague

At work or elsewhere, most everyone has experienced a relationship that turned toxic. If you have, you know they’re a major drain on your energy, productivity, and happiness.

In a new study from Georgetown University, 98% of people reported experiencing toxic behavior at work. The study found that toxic relationships negatively influence employees and their organizations in nine notable ways:

80% lost work time worrying about the incidents.
78% said that their commitment to the organization declined.
66% said that their performance declined.
63% lost work time avoiding the offender.
47% intentionally decreased the time spent at work.
38% intentionally decreased the quality of their work.
25% admitted to taking their frustration out on customers.
12% said that they left their job because of it.
48% intentionally decreased their work effort.
While the turnover from toxic relationships is costly, the real cost is the lost productivity and emotional distress experienced by people who are stuck in these relationships.

We may not be able to control the toxicity of other people, but we can control how we respond to them, and this has the power to alter the course of a relationship. Before a toxic relationship can be neutralized, you must intimately understand what’s making it toxic in the first place. Toxic relationships develop when one person’s needs are no longer met or someone or something is interfering with the ability to maintain a healthy and productive relationship.

Recognizing and understanding toxicity enables you to develop effective strategies to thwart future toxic interactions. What follows are the most common types of toxic relationships and strategies to help you overcome them.

Relationships that are passive aggressive.

This type takes many forms in the workplace, from the manager who gives you the cold shoulder to the colleague who cc’s e-mails to your boss. One of the most common forms of passive aggression is a drastic reduction of effort. Passive aggressive types have great difficulty receiving feedback, and this can lead them to leave work early or not to work as hard. Passive aggression is deadly in the workplace, where opinions and feelings need to be placed on the table in order for progress to continue.

When you find someone behaving passive aggressively toward you, you need to take it upon yourself to communicate the problem. Passive aggressive types typically act the way they do because they’re trying to avoid the issue at hand. If you can’t bring yourself to open up a line of communication, you may find yourself joining in the mind games. Just remember, passive aggressive types tend to be sensitive and to avoid conflict, so when you do bring something up, make sure to do so as constructively and harmoniously as possible.

Relationships that lack forgiveness and trust.

It’s inevitable that you’re going to make mistakes at work. Some people get so fixated on other people’s mistakes that it seems as if they believe they don’t make mistakes themselves. You’ll find that these people hold grudges, are constantly afraid that other people are going to do them harm, and may even begin nudging you out of important projects. If you’re not careful, this can stifle upward career movement by removing important opportunities for growth.

The frustrating thing about this type of relationship is that it takes one mistake to lose hundreds of “trust points” but hundreds of perfect actions to get one trust point back. To win back their trust, it’s crucial that you pay extra-close attention to detail and that you’re not frazzled by the fact that they will constantly be looking for mistakes. You have to use every ounce of patience while you dig yourself out of the subjective hole you’re in. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Relationships that are one-sided.

Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial. They have a natural give and take. In the workplace, this applies to relationships with people who report to you (they should be getting things done for you and you should be teaching them) as well as with people you report to (you should be learning from them, but also contributing). These relationships grow toxic when one person begins to give a disproportionate amount, or one person only wants to take. It could be a manager who has to guide an employee through every excruciating detail, or a colleague who finds herself doing all the work.

If possible, the best thing to do with this type is to stop giving. Unfortunately this isn’t always possible. When it isn’t, you need to have a frank conversation with the other party in order to recalibrate the relationship.

Relationships that are idealistic.

Idealistic relationships are those where we begin to hold people in too high a regard. When you think your colleague walks on water, the relationship becomes toxic because you don’t have the boundaries you need in a healthy working relationship. For instance, you might overlook a mistake that needs attention, or do work that violates your moral compass because you assume your colleague is in the right.

This loss of boundaries is extremely toxic to you, and you have the power to set the relationship straight. No matter how close you may be with someone, or how great you think her work may be, you need to remain objective. If you’re the one people are idealizing, you need to speak up and insist that they treat you the same way they treat everyone else.

Relationships that are punitive.

Punitive relationships are those where one person punishes the other for behavior that doesn’t align directly with their expectations. The major issue with punitive types is that their instinct is to punish, without adequate communication, feedback, and understanding. This belittling approach creates conflict and bad feelings.

To survive a punitive type, you must choose your battles wisely. Your voice won’t be heard if you dive right in to every conflict. They’ll just label you as someone who is too sensitive.

Relationships built on lies.

These types get so caught up in looking good that they lose track of what’s fact and what’s fiction. Then the lies pile up until they’re the foundation of the relationship. People who won’t give you straight answers don’t deserve your trust. After all, if they’re willing to lie to you, how can you ever really depend on them?

When you remove trust from any relationship, you don’t have a relationship at all. Building a relationship on lies is no different than building a house on a pile of sand. The best thing you can do is to count your losses and move on.

How To Protect Yourself From A Toxic Person

Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no mistake about it—their behavior truly goes against reason, so why do you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the mix?

The ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a direct link to your performance. TalentSmart has conducted research with more than a million people, and we’ve found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the ability to identify toxic people and keep them at bay.

The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps. Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally, and approach your interactions with them like they’re a science project (or you’re their shrink if you prefer that analogy). You don’t need to respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.

Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine, and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.

Most people feel as though because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control the chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once you’ve identified a toxic person, you’ll begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with them and when and where you don’t. You can establish boundaries, but you’ll have to do so consciously and proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you’re bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to cross them, which they will.

Bringing It All Together

There are many different types of toxic relationships in the workplace. When you find yourself embroiled in one, it’s worth the effort to evaluate things carefully and develop a course of action that will save your sanity and better your career.

Have you experienced any of these types of toxic relationships? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

If you’d like to learn how to increase your emotional intelligence (EQ), consider taking the online Emotional Intelligence Appraisal test that’s included with the Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book. Your test results will pinpoint which of the book’s 66 emotional intelligence strategies will increase your EQ the most.

Written by

Dr. Travis Bradberry

Coauthor Emotional Intelligence 2.0 & President at TalentSmart

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Envy at 30,000 feet
Resentment of first-class passengers can be a cause of air rage
WASHINGTON, DC

MOST instances of road rage come about in the same way. Drivers are frustrated with other drivers who, in one way or another, impede their ability to get where they’re going as quickly as they’d like. “Air rage” can’t really follow the same pattern, since passengers on a plane have no control over the speed with which they’ll reach their destination. Instead, it stems from a variety of sources, including poor service, discomfort and flight delays.
But one of the most common sources of air rage has nothing to do with negative experiences on board a plane. Quite the opposite. According to a new study, passengers are far more prone to misbehaviour if they see that other passengers are having a better experience.

Published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences the study finds that passengers in economy class are 3.8 times more likely to become unruly if the plane also contains a first-class section. If those passengers have to walk through first class to get to their seats, their odds of experiencing air rage double again. “We suggest that physical and situational inequality are built into people’s everyday environments—such as the modern plane—and that exposure to these forms of inequality can trigger anti-social behaviour,” write the paper’s authors, Katherine DeCelles of the University of Toronto and Michael Norton of Harvard.
It is not an altogether surprising phenomenon, given how humans tend to experience happiness and its absence. A study from 2010 found that rising economic well-being doesn’t make the broader population any happier. Instead, an increase in wealth brings happiness only if others aren’t experiencing the same boon. People are more content if their incomes rise relative to their neighbours or colleagues or university classmates. They don’t compare ourselves to our needs; they compare ourselves to the people around them.
So it goes in the air. If an airline upgrades all the seats on its planes and makes them considerably more comfortable, passengers might not appreciate the change all that much. But if a passenger gets bumped up to first class and enjoys more comfort than most of the others on board—well, there’s something to feel good about. And as the PNAS study shows, that works in reverse: seeing other people experiencing more comfort makes flyers prone to getting annoyed.
In an era in which airlines are increasingly investing in upgraded first- and business-class experiences while packing as many price-sensitive flyers as possible into the back, this sense of envy is unlikely to ebb. But the Boeings and Airbuses of the world might at least consider installing middle-of-the-aircraft entrances that don’t require economy passengers to walk past their better-heeled fellow travellers.

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@[email protected]_0_0_D wrote:

http://www.kabalarian...m/

Analysis of your name.


Your name of XYZ has created a most expressive nature, idealistic and inspirational, driven with a strong inner urge to be of service in some way that would uplift humanity as a whole.

However, there is a tendency to assume too heavy a burden of responsibility for others, which leads to worry and undue concern.

People with problems are drawn to you as they recognize you as one who has understanding and gives not only sympathy and comfort but provides also some constructive advice or assistance.

You have a generous quality to your nature, but you must guard carefully against giving more than you receive or you will find yourself doing without because you have helped someone else.

You love people, family, home, and friends and try to be a parent to the whole human race.

While you have generally stable conditions in your personal life, you may experience some problems in business affairs through a tendency to be scattering and inattentive to details.

Any health problems would show as tension in the nervous system brought on by worry.


What is urs ??:-}
OK. Let me share.

Your first name of ****** has given you an expressive, diplomatic, and refined nature.

Although you have a good appreciation of material values, business ability, and skill in organizing and managing others, your success is restricted by a lack of self-confidence and initiative.

You have very expensive tastes, and your desires could well exceed your initiative in providing for them through your own efforts.

Personal appearance is important to you.

You are always well-groomed yourself, and you judge others by your own standard.

You do not like to rough it or use much physical energy.

Through your diplomatic ways you are able to call on the assistance of others to avoid such matters.

You have good business judgment but lack the confidence to carry out your own ideas unless assisted by an associate.

From a desire to eat too many rich foods, your health could suffer through kidney and generative troubles or any problems affecting the fluid functions of the body. lol

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Your role in life according to your date of birth is to serve humanity as an ambassador of peace, a mediator who understands the hearts and minds of number and helps them to resolve differences. Your purpose is to assist others to find practical solutions to their problems. Your persuasive powers of tact and diplomacy would go a long way to develop harmony and co-operation and to create understanding by merging differing viewpoints. Your strength will come from the support from others who respect, appreciate, and encourage you towards your ideals and goals.

Your feelings for people must be understood and translated from an emotional to an intellectual level in order to base your decisions upon clear principles and analysis. Otherwise you could burden and deplete yourself by being too personally involved, and feeling strongly obliged not to hurt or disappoint anyone. You must learn to merge with others in order to give to them and to learn something constructive from your experiences, yet you must remain mentally individual.

Because of the agreeable and easy-going manner of your inner nature, you should guard against procrastinating and being indecisive. Systematic accomplishment would build self-confidence.

You could express your potential through counselling, teaching, organizing the efforts of others, or serving the public in some capacity, calling upon tactful and gentle ways to bring people together to accomplish a common purpose without acrimony. As you develop these abilities, people would seek your counsel. Keeping confidences sacred would earn you the trust and respect of others.

Your greatest happiness and fulfilment will come from meaningful and mutually beneficial interaction with others.

These are your inner qualities, according to your birthpath, that it is your duty to express through your intelligence; i.e., it is your mission in life—but this can be materialized in action only if the plane of mind or desires created by the name are the same as these inherent qualities and coincide with a successful destiny number.


@asoka

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@wakhraa swag @

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JUDGE YOURSELF

Once upon a time there was a painter who had just completed his course. He took 3 days and painted beautiful scenery. He wanted people’s opinion about his caliber and painting skills.

He put his creation at a busy street-crossing. And just down below aboard which read -“I have painted this piece. Since I’m new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes etc. Please put a cross wherever you see a mistake.”

While he came back in the evening to collect his painting he was completely shattered to see that whole canvass was filled with Xs(crosses) and some people had even written their comments on the painting.

Disheartened and broken completely he ran to his master’s place and burst into tears.
This young artist was breathing heavily and master heard him saying"I’m useless and if this is what I have learnt to paint I’m not worth becoming a painter. People have rejected me completely. I feel like dying"

Master smiled and suggested “My Son, I will prove that you are a greatartist and have learnt a flawless painting. Do as I say without questioning it. It WILL work.”

Young artist reluctantly agreed and two days later early morning he presented a replica of his earlier painting to his master. Master took that gracefully and smiled.

“Come with me.” master said.

They reached the same street-square early morning and displayed the same painting exactly at the same place. Now master took out another board which read -“Gentlemen, I have painted this piece. Since I’m new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes in my strokes etc. I have put a box with colors and brushes just below. Please do a favor. If you see a mistake, kindly pick up the brush and correct it.”

Master and disciple walked back home.

They both visited the place same evening. Young painter was surprised to see that actually there was not a single correction done so far. Next day again they visited and found painting remained untouched. They say the painting was kept there for a month for no correction came in!

Moral of the story :

It is easier to criticize, but DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE!
So don’t get carried away or judge yourself by someone else’s criticism and feel depressed…
JUDGE YOURSELF! YOU ARE YOUR BEST JUDGE!!!

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WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN’T LOOKING
A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed the
birds in winter, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make my
favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hold
the door open for others and heard ‘thank you’ and
’you’re welcome’, and I learned respect for others.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be..

When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of
life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and
wanted to say, Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn’t looking.’

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एक बहुत बड़ा सरोवर था। उसके तट पर मोर
रहता था, और वहीं पास एक
मोरनी भी रहती थी। एक दिन मोर
ने मोरनी से प्रस्ताव रखा कि-“हम
तुम विवाह कर लें,
तो कैसा अच्छा रहे?”
मोरनी ने पूछा- “तुम्हारे मित्र
कितने है ?”
मोर ने कहा उसका कोई मित्र
नहीं है।
तो मोरनी ने विवाह से इनकार कर
दिया।
मोर सोचने लगा सुखपूर्वक रहने के
लिए मित्र बनाना भी आवश्यक है।
उसने एक सिंह से.., एक कछुए से.., और
सिंह के लिए शिकार का पता लगाने
वाली टिटहरी से.., दोस्ती कर लीं।
जब उसने यह समाचार
मोरनी को सुनाया, तो वह तुरंत
विवाह के लिए तैयार हो गई। पेड़ पर
घोंसला बनाया और उसमें अंडे दिए, और
भी कितने ही पक्षी उस पेड़ पर रहते
थे।
एक दिन शिकारी आए। दिन भर
कहीं शिकार न मिला तो वे उसी पेड़
की छाया में ठहर गए और सोचने लगे,
पेड़ पर चढ़कर अंडे- बच्चों से भूख बुझाई
जाए।
मोर दंपत्ति को भारी चिंता हुई,
मोर मित्रों के पास सहायता के लिए
दौड़ा। बस फिर क्या था..,
टिटहरी ने जोर- जोर से
चिल्लाना शुरू किया। सिंह समझ गया,
कोई शिकार है। वह उसी पेड़ के नीचे
चला.., जहाँ शिकारी बैठे थे। इतने में
कछुआ भी पानी से निकलकर बाहर आ
गया।
सिंह से डरकर भागते हुए
शिकारियों ने कछुए को ले चलने
की बात सोची। जैसे ही हाथ
बढ़ाया कछुआ पानी में खिसक गया।
शिकारियों के पैर दलदल में फँस गए।
इतने में सिंह आ पहुँचा और उन्हें ठिकाने
लगा दिया।
मोरनी ने कहा- "मैंने विवाह से पूर्व
मित्रों की संख्या पूछी थी, सो बात
काम की निकली न, यदि मित्र न
होते, तो आज हम सबकी खैर न थी।”
मित्रता सभी रिश्तों में
अनोखा और आदर्श रिश्ता होता है।
और मित्र
किसी भी व्यक्ति की अनमोल
पूँजी होते है।

अगर गिलास दुध से भरा हुआ है तो आप उसमे और दुध नहीं डाल
सकते । लेकिन आप उसमे शक्कर डाले । शक्कर अपनी जगह
बना लेती है और अपना होने का अहसास दिलाती है उसी प्रकार
अच्छे लोग हर किसी के दिल में अपनी जगह बना लेते हैं….

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@AKA wrote:

tried to upload pic first time nd failed

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Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How is it possible that I can get along with them all?
I think that each one helps to bring out a “different” part of me. With one of them I am polite. With another I joke, with another I can be a bit naughty… I can sit down and talk about serious matters with one.

With another I laugh a lot. I listen to one friend’s problems. Then I listen to another one’s advice for me.
My friends are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than I understand myself. They’re friends who support me through good days and bad. Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health.

Dr. Oz calls them Vitamin F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes.

If you enjoy Vitamin F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments, it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%. I’m so happy that I have a stock of Vitamin F!
In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together and pray for each other in the tough moments.

Some of my friends are friends on line. I know I am part of theirs because their names appear on my computer screen often and I feel blessed that they care as much for me as I care for them.

Thank you for being one of my Vitamins!
The most beautiful thing about friendship is that we can grow separately without growing apart.

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REMOVED

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Missing