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Advice needed on critical life situation, Disclaimer: story is long

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dealseeker402

I come from small village of Bihar, I was student of JNV and I had been staying out of my hometown most of the times. I work in It Company in Bangalore. Due to all this I am not into any kind of discrimination/partiality with any one. My behaviour depends on the behaviour of person in front of me.

My parents are narrow minded as usual(dimer from Bihar knows it better).

My father wants to control everything. He thinks in a way that he is always correct and whatever he is doing and don't need advice. Even if he feels that he need advice he will seek advice from others instead of family members. He becomes a civil engineer if there is ongoing construction at home.

My Mother goes for favoritism for my younger brother and sister(married).

When I started earning(22k) My father used to ask money If I have any. You can call me fool. I used to send all the remaining money I was having to my father(may be because of love/respect for my father). It used to be (5-6k). I came to know later that my father used to laugh on that seeing the amount. This continued until my father asked me to take loan of 5 lakh and give it to him for land purchase. I consulted my mother and brother and took the loan with a condition that my father would pay me 15k so that I can close loan early. Condition was never met. There were remaining funds after land purchase but instead of giving it to me, my father used it for unnecessary work(installing granite at home where no one lives or going to live in near future) 

However my brother arranged funds whenever possible to do the part payment. I returned to him later. I used to order mobile phones on NCEMI and use funds to do the part payment

During Corona 2nd Wave I came home and stayed for longest duration at home in my life and problem started from there.

My loan somehow got closed and my father came to know and again started asking money. I resisted as My mother asked me to order some equipment's(fridge/cooler). Within 3 months of coming home, I got engaged. Now I had new person in life. I learned from her that I should have done savings. That's correct I was fool. I started saving slowly. But my father knew my salary(I had to share salary slip with him because girl's family asked for it before proceeding). It started making him pissed.

Extension of home(home where we live in village) started during that time as rooms were less. Now my father became civil engineer and started asking workers to construct as he wants. This started conflict because I wanted my room at least as per my choice. Conflict became common and my parents started thinking that I am being controlled by the girl as I never used to question their decisions(because i was not home any time for more that 15 days).

Conflict continued and my words became as harsh as the words coming from person in front of me. I started over thinking and I got health issue for lifetime.

My mom started over thinking and got lifetime health issue but my mom never got rid of favoritism.  

My father already had health issue even before I came home for long duration.

I took loan of 9 lakh around during my marriage, settled as soon(within 8 months) I can and never told my parents. for them it was 2 year minimum. After two year again my father started asking money I clearly denied and he got very pissed with me.

Recently I got blessed with baby girl(C section)
while we were at hospital her father came, I sent him back as he was shivering. We never expected for C section but an emergency situation came(created by doctor itself without informing she broke fluid sac). It was 6PM (coldest weather of Bihar) and I consulted my father but didn't get clear instruction/advice. I took the decision for C section.

My father got pissed because of that as well. My mother is no less than my father(in another way). I never got support from her. Imagine  when I bought a electric kettle to boil water/heat food while at Hospital she got pissed.

Now coming to ladies thing: as usual my wife expect my mom to treat her the same way my mom treat my sister. like buying a jewellary for her as well if buying for my sister.

But situation is like even though my sister is married she demands and her demand is fulfilled but nothing to very less for my wife.

we do celebrate in a grand way to welcome a new born but it didn't happened this time(reason: conflict).

My wife have a genetic condition(results in low hemoglobin always. got to know recently).

She feels tired every time and there is only one member in house who can help is mom. My mom has mental issue(of cleaning everything. I bought washing machine for her but she prefer washing by hand. I bought mop for her but she does by hand). due to this she doesn't get time and also her health problem become intense.

My wife wanted to go her home(her mother has passed away long ago) as there many people to hold/entertain our daughter but my parents are not allowing her to go her home.

Reason for that from my father: none of family members came to see my wife.

But actually he father came two times and he family members came for a day at hospital. Her brother stayed with me at hospital for a night.

My father expectation: why no one was there from my wife's family at the time of operation.

My logical thinking: at 6:30 PM no in cold weather with full fog everywhere how can anyone expect them to cover 1 hr distance(on normal day).

Today conflict got intense as my father was not ready to listen from others prospective.


Million of thanks to you for reading my story. How can I handle not getting a way? If you have any credible advice please suggest.

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Deal Subedar Deal Subedar
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I can tell you go back to place where you work.i.e Bangalore. Tell your parent you are planing to buy a house as rent is costly and if your economics and need allow then buy a house. Tell them as emi is high and you have took it on 20-25 years you can't help out for your home that much. Some times distance is best solution. As you said there was not much conflict when you used to visit for small period of time.

Super Moderator Super Moderator
Moderator
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Shift to b'lore with your wife and baby.
Tell your parents and siblings that you've lost your job.

Ask them for financial help. They will refuse but at the same time they will stop pestering you for money.

Benevolent Benevolent
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Leave your father. you all stay  at a rented house

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That's the problem man, still they are my parents. Cannot leave completely
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53 Dimers
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There is only one advice, upskill yourself and get a higher salary job. Money should never be a problem.Maybe try overseas. Settle with your wife. Give a better education to your children, save enough to send funds to home 🏡. 

Always trust and consider your parents whatever they feel say. They need you more. So you have to eatn more. Because you are here only because of your parents.  Treat your in laws as your parents. And maybe same message for your spouse

Community Angel Community Angel
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Many people suggesting here to talk to parents I say never argue with them there will be no result you can't change them, talking about toxic or highly toxic parents, some may listen politely but at the end of the discussion only they will win no matter what as they will not accept any excuses or suggestions and blame you for every problem 

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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You just wrote my thoughts. Did you steal it through neurolink technology?  🤣🤣  Nowadays it is very common. No one wants to listen anything! Better to remain silent, move forward and never look back again. I'm on the same path bro

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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You know what money spoils every relationship... when people know you are earning money they start expecting more and more from money you... specially talking of parents... they think "we spent so much time and money on our children... what's wrong with us seeking returns" ... but this reasoning itself is flawed... they gave us birth on their on consent, we didn't asked them ... every child wants to do big for their parents and does it ... but sometimes parents always wants everything immediately.

This is the situation of 99% families in India... we get diseases because of family tensions.

My suggesstion would be "go to some vacation at some holy place for 7-10 days with your wife and children (if your wife can handle walking now) and get calm first ... because decisions taken when your are stressed out may not always be 100% right".. then think about situation and what would be better for you and your kids ... discuss with your family ... take that decision wisely.

I too feel telling your parents and sibling that you are not empoyed anymore (as a lie) would be good and stop paying all payments ... except ration (if your parents cannot support themselves) ... focus on your savings ... if your judgment when you are calm comes out to be leaving your parents ... it won't be bad ... start a new life in your new place ... Start practising yoga and exercises for 30mins to 1 hr a day compulsory howsoever stressed you are ... wounds take time to heal ... but remember there is not a problem which can't be fixed.

Tech Guru Tech Guru
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@dealseeker402 I have to ask you few  questions before proposing a solution. I  genuinely feel your problem.

1) Was your father like this ( arrogant, controlling) when you were young? Was your grandfather or grandmother like this too?

2) Does everyone in your close or extended family support your father's behaviour?

3) Did your father ever used to live outside of your village for business or job or any other types of word, or did he spent his entire life in that place doing his business?

4)  In his friends circle, neighbours are people most of them people of his age think like him?

5) Does your father have any cardiovascular issues (  heart problems)? High blood pressure?

6) Did your father ever expressed any negative feelings that you had a daughter and not a son?
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@Total_Fun pinged you bro
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Finance Ninja Finance Ninja
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Arey bhai bhul gaye ? humara Indian culture, Parents ki hamesa respect karo, unki har baat mano.

chahe wife aur bache iske bich me pis kar maar jaye, kya fark parta hai.

Parents ka samman jada important hai. Yaad rakhna.

isse faida kya hoga ? USA ja kar aise savage dialogue maar paoge - 😀😀

Jaise Aishwarya rai's ne USA ja kar diya tha - 

Skip the video to 0:22 and play - 👇🏼👇🏼

Phir news banega aise tumhara bhi (sorry next news video eng/hindi language me nhi hai yeh) -

Kisi ne comment kiya hai -

எந்த நிலையிலும் வந்த
நிலை மறவாதே
எப்பொழுதும் எந்த நேரத்திலும் பெற்றோரை துறவாதே
இதான்டா எங்கள் கலாச்சாரம்

Translate - "Never forget the principles,
Never abandon your parents at any time,
This is our culture."

Cool Cool
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Bhai truth is you know your family is wrong but you don't want to stand against them so nothing can be done.

Benevolent Benevolent
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Putin dada teach him how to start the war.

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Deal Lieutenant Deal Lieutenant
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What your wife mentioned is absolutely correct regarding moving to her place, @dealseeker402 You did not mention what your younger brother is doing. At least you have an older brother on your side. 

Anyway, forget what happened during the Corona period because it is the Corona effects that are causing people to behave like that 😄. You cannot change your family's behaviors.

Now, you cannot spend 90% of your salary. If you can, talk to the other two brothers to share the burden because, as per the law, children have to take care of their parents.

Just mention to the two brothers that it is your money (that you spent on granite and not theirs) when they try to shout at you.

Deal Subedar Deal Subedar
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Oh man so many things I can relate with.

Stern father who thinks he is never wrong.

Being the least favourite child.

Relatives leaching money.

Anyway,

People will tell you to cut ties with your family and run. That's the smart thing. Most reasonable.

But it's not possible.

We are not westerners. Abandoning our parents is not something we can do(even if they are horrible).

___

They say you can't teach an old dog, new tricks.


You have no idea how much TRUTH is in that.

So many men are like your father. They think they can do no wrong. When they think you will somehow defy or be better, the abuse will start.

For so many years, i thought i could explain how something is wrong, how being treated as less than your siblings is hurtful but no use.

My advice to is --ACCEPTANCE--


Accept that they will NEVER CHANGE.

They are not going to suddenly love you more or Treat you with respect or Understand your needs.

Just accept they will never change and the relief that comes with, is your solution.


Your father is doing something crazy? tell him why it's wrong but don't expect him to listen to you and change.

When your parents verbally abuse you, just let it fly over you. Dont respond.

Does this mean you can't love them?

No, of course not. You are always going to love them. You can just a little bit away.

Take these following steps for more fulfilling life.

1. Move away from them.
2. Start saving up a major chunk of your salary, you dont have to disclose your salary to anyone.
3. Give something to your parents every month.
4. Put away money for what you have to do your siblings and do them when it's time.
5. Finally, distance makes heart grow fonder. Keep yourself just a little bit away.

Show up to the major events with your family as the first one.

But none these mean you take abuse.

Just leave it behind and find your happiness elsewhere.

@goss8877

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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There are at least a dozen extremely simple solutions to the entire problem: 1 confront 2 desert 3 ingratiate 4 scream at home at random times 5 insult in front of others 6 compare him with other fathers in the presence of family, friends, neighbors 7 divide your family against your father 8 get him to therapy 9 offer to loan against the house written to your name 10 threaten to commit suicide and cry all the time 11 leave your wife at her parental home and then pretend to start an affair and becoming an alcoholic 12 get him to do regular Puja and bi-annual teerth yatra on his own dime by shaming him for not doing that at his age etc. 

Don't cross the line of legality, 1 don't kill him 2 don't rough him up 3 don't abduct him 4 don't create false accusations against him for doing something untowardly to your wife 5 don't steal from him 6 don't threaten him using knife, gun or such thing 7 don't get him married a second time in a pakaruah shaadi 8 don't defraud him by sending scam email from Nigerian prince or scam phone call asking for OTP 9 don't steal his phone or other stuff you have gifted 10 don't modify his phone or car so that they explode and his face catches fire causing severe burn 11 don't get him into small accidents so that he thinks you are trying to kill him 12 don't hire a goon to threaten your father, etc.

Things that will NOT solve the problem: 1 you upskilling 2 you getting better-paying job 3 you having second child 4 you taking new loans 5 you waiting patiently for your father to change 6 you waiting patiently for your father's demise 7 you watching Baghban 8 you gifting your father expensive things 9 you gifting your father your kidney or retina or lung  10 you asking your father for the key to prison he locked you in 11 you doing yoga and becoming a yogi 12 you forfeiting your claim on parental property 13 you doing teerth yatra instead of your father 14 you living on the street and having sattu for food in Bangalore to afford your father more money 15 you posting on Reddit/DD, reading solutions and not doing anything about it etc.

Tech Guru Tech Guru
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I meant ❤️. Laughter emoji was mistakenly pressed. 

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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the white tiger ~ aravind adiga
Shopping Friend Shopping Friend
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Generous Generous
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So true .... as always!
Love Osho!
Pro Community Angel Pro Community Angel
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tell your father that you lost the job and see what is his response if he is a good person for you then he will surely help you and if he helps you with any hesitation then he was doing all that for your good if not then choose wisely

Finance Ninja Finance Ninja
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"Every Child Deserves Parents but Not all Parents Deserve Child"! Harsh Truth

Deal Newbie Deal Newbie
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You are married now and you need to stand up for yourself. Get your family members together and express your feelings. Explain them the cost of educating your child; the way things work in city life etc etc.

One life advise i would give to you is "be confident to say no" and think ahead of time(long term) before taking any financial or personal decision.

The PostMighty The PostMighty
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For OP: Did you try making your father understand why you don't like his behaviour? There should be transparent communication whether high pitch or low pitch. You should move out if you have tried communicating clearly and it is still an obstacle for your family life.

For other comments: I understand that OPs situation is really harsh and can be a torture like situation but I'm equally shocked that most people are suggesting "take care of your own family", "move out" "my life improved after living my own life" Are your parents not a part of your own family? It's great if you try and they still don't understand. Yes! They might behave incorrectly, but can you not pacify the situation and then move on to the harsh decision? I believe that love can resolve any issue, but if you don't have love towards them and are selfish to continue with your own family,. Parents take care of us when we can't understand or were a kid. Now they might be a kid or be egoistic of being a parent but what so many people are stating in comments is heartbreaking too.

Remember one day we all are going to be fathers

Community Angel Community Angel
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Advices given in this thread are solutions of this problem if anyone chooses to stay and rot in toxic environment it's his own choice by staying with them parents are not going to be happy with you, if they don't treat their all descendants equally you cannot be happy with them 

Staying away is simple solution which don't harms anyone and gives peaceful life to victims

You advised communication but unfortunately communication or transparent communication never works in such cases 

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Thanks guys for advice. I have decided to make a distance as soon as possible. visiting home on occasion only not more than once a year not staying for more than 15 days. Staying firm on decision what is best for my wife and children. No more entertainment of heated argument. if it turns out into heated argument will leave in between and will take decision on my own.
Still will support them for what they want for themselves as per me capacity.
Again no entertainment if it is out of my capacity.
Until and unless My parents realise with this toxic environement what are the damages being done, I will continue keeping distance.
Deal Subedar Deal Subedar
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"I am from Bihar as well, and I know some people facing similar situations like yours. By the way, which district of Bihar do you belong to? In fact, one of my friends is heavily stuck in loans cycle because their family members constantly need money, for which he has taken loans."

Deal Newbie Deal Newbie
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@dealseeker402 I only see only one question mark and one query in your post, which is 'How can I handle not getting a way?"
and although i cannot fully grasp it, I still feel like you were only posting all this for therapeutic reasons (than to seek actual help).

For someone proudly claiming to be amongst the top ten-twelve percent of the population, income wise
and with good professional qualifications

you seem to be in too much of a 'damsel in distress' mode.

If everything is wrong with everyone except you yourselves, then the answers are obvious.. you are better off being separated from such environs.

If your parents could not dictate when you conceived or had intercourse to bring the baby in this world, then obviously the claims like 'xyz is not allowing' ... do not ait well with me at-least.

Are you yourselves too attached to them or under the influence of social norms to decide what is better for yourselves? And thus giving excuses like this (putting the blame on your extended family members).

Most of what you described are 'routine' things in most families, even in western countries.
I mean specifics might differ, but there is nothing that is entirely new.

Almost all of us go through such things. But luckily for you, you are putting the onus of almost everything on others.
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98831358fttbn

Only solution: Out of sight, out of mind

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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marriage has been running like chit fund scheme since ages as here marriage is basically done for economical benefit rather than love.

parents get land from their parents and then buy new land for themselves all with the expectation that when they get old their kid will lick their arshes showing the greed of land to kids so that they will stay and serve them.

this chit fund scheme runs as parents pass this scheme to their kids who make more kids applying this scheme.

But problem with this scheme is that kids not only have to show their arshe but also share the speet for lubrication so that parents can phuck them.

Get woke as love, respect and care is a two way street and without reciprocation you are asking for aa bel mujhe mar and NOBODY CAN SAVE UR ARSH BUT YOU.

Seen a lot of parents who kids got destroyed only becuase parents did not give a phuck.

time to get AZAD and start to live somewhere else peacefully without sackurs that will run you down financially and emotionally

REMEMBER FAMILY is ONLY A WORD & WITHOUT PROOF OF WORK its all bull shaayeet.

if an OUTSIDER shows Proof of Work then they are TRUE FAMILY

Community Angel Community Angel
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@this.person.actually

Parents who don't treat their children equally are oppressors and culprits, agar bacho ko equally treat nai kar sakte to bache paida na karo, btw no father mother invites children, it's their act or one-night accident which brings an innocent baby in this world, which is then treated good or bad but not doing justice among children giving preference to younger child and emotionally harassing other child gives lifetime trauma to that living being, parents are not holy cows if they somehow become parents and dont know their responsibilities then ultimate sufferer is their unfortunate child

The PostMighty The PostMighty
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Gosh are you serious when you say "no father mother invites children, it's their act or one-night accident" ?

I'm sorry if someone feels that way but I've seen people plan a kid, it's their happiness to have a child, to take him to heights and see them prosper.

And yes parents should treat the child equally and it's their responsibility, so I fully agree.
Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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Okay, you may not like it , but I am trying to give few  neutral opinions.


1.You have daddy issues man.


2.  You are being over sympathetic with your wife , over aggresive with your father and other family members in between.


3. Ofcourse every house to be specific in India aren't designed by Engineers. Wjat is wrong if your father is designing as per the need.( you have mentioned this multiple times)


4. You aren't staying at home for long. That's why you are thinking that extension for home wasn't needed. May be ppl who stay there all the time, needed that.


5. Parents expecting financial help isn't a alien concept in Indian Subcontinent. You are overreacting.


6. You got engaged. She opened your eyes about savings. Story of every newly married men. Women are far better at finance,I think.


7.  Your logical thinking works fine for in-laws. But you haven't cracked that for your fathers case yet.


8. Your wife wants to go to her home. Many ppl r available there for your kid. You haven't mentioned ....

Deal Cadet Deal Cadet
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About your wifes profession yet. If she isn't working anywhere else, aren't you two guys sufficient for your kid?

9. At this point, you have stopped paying your Father. Why are you expecting him to gift golds to your wife?

10.  In todays time one fourth of all child births are happening thru C- section only. What you wanted to show mentioning all those things. He didn't come, she didn't respond. You were there, right? What else needed.

11. Sometimes mothers react to small things. That reaction from your mother for purchasing something was normal as well. You are only over reacting.

12. May be you only have major issues. You need to find the art of ignoring small issues.

13. Just because your mother prefers to wash clothes with hands , she has mental issues. Probably you have mental issues to understand things. All of your reasonings look childish.
Help yourself by visiting a psychiatrist.

14. Don't take Psychiatrist suggestion seriously. It was a joke. I think, the emotional connection vaccum created by your parents is overfilled by your wife. It is a phase of life. You will pass like other newly married men.

15. If possible, take out few minutes from working life and sit with your parents. Don't try to argue with small things. Don't sit there with closed mind. Try to understand them. Ask your mom, why she finds  washing clothes with better. May be she doesn't want to waste electricity. May be she feels clothe quality deteriorate with washing machines.

16. As everyone have suggested here , it is quite easy to move out and stay separately at Bengaluru. But the warmth a family gives, you won't find anywhere else.

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Can feel bro...

As many hv recommend so and i agree with most of them (i hv gone through) ...


Just would like to add a bit from my side too as i feel this is to be considered too..

Ghr pr shant raho samjho gusse se nai (frustration wala) bt wahi logical wala k aapse bhi acche wale aur buri condition m log h n u r having much better everything that god has gifted to u like your daughter..

Ab aa jao separation pr bhai family h to sb such h ristedaari bhi nibhani padti h aur life m role bhi iss sabka.. 

Thoda ghr pr time spend kro bhai k touch m jyada raho n separation ki baat kro in a way k chote tu yaha ka dekh meko thoda sa time de m waha sb such settle kr lu baat tere se iss liye kr raha hu kyoki koi h nai aur tu samjhta h iss baat ko settle down ho jayega to jointly dekhte h accordingly dont use separation even a single time (married h bhai to efforts thode se jyada rahenge positively closing m)

Upr wala agr thik lage to apni wife se bhi discuss kro n unki advice lo even if she'll not add a single piece of advice she'll hpy k u hv discuss with her..

Later proper ghr se jao eek lumsum amount apni mmi ko de dena like 1-2 lakh k chote to need ho to de dena aapne pass rakho ....

Can't add more bt if h hv anything to discuss feel free to pm

On another hand sorry to ask u bt since it hit me so i am asking u what is this fu*ng discrimination partiality why one though of it at first whenever feels down or didn't get what desired for..

It's a humble request to u n fellow dimers not to allow such a negative word in mind such as discrimination..

Don't we we do it almost everyday at traffic signal or other places when we see a beggar is comming to our way that is actual discrimination and irony is beggar cannot raise voice for it he don't hv shelter forget about ids to avail govt. provided privileges thus u hv to make some changes in your self as well before assuming u did to much for family it was your responsibility and u r strong enough to manage it till now..

Now the rest of your life is for your wife and child if society in awhole (relative n family) is not understanding it then it's their problem not your headache frnd... take rest sleep more n refrain from any type of addiction  good night 

Deal Newbie Deal Newbie
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Best way is to stay nuclear n slowly reduce meeting n talking from daily to once a month.

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