J. Mathrubootham - The Hindu - is the best comic / satire writer
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Letter From A Concerned Reader J. Mathrubootham – The Hindu
http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-feature...
April 09, 2017 00:00 IST
Dear Sir/ Madam,
Moments ago I returned from my daughter-in-law’s house in Alwarpet after a small vegetarian tea party. The event was a complete disaster and I was so overcome by happiness and delight that I decided then and there to share it with you as soon as possible.
Sir/ Madam, my daughter-in-law is a wonderful lady with a kind and gentle personality. From the very first moment my son introduced her to us we found her very humble and god-fearing. We initially thought they were just good friends with a mutual interest in preparing for MBA entrance examinations. Only later we realised that they were preparing diligently for love marriage and not CAT. Subsequently I tried very hard to persuade her to find some other boy who actually had some prospects in his future unlike my useless son. She refused.
Her parents, on the other hand, are the worst human beings I have ever met in my life. And I am someone who has spent his entire career in a nationalised bank with postings in branches all over India, especially Delhi and Calcutta.
Sir/ Madam, I am not sure which part of India you are from. But in my native place near Nagercoil there is a saying that roughly translates as follows: “He is the kind of man that if you find him on the road with a knife in his back, you drive over him with your car in order to avoid any doubt.”
Her father and mother are both of this category. The moment they open their mouths, my left hand reaches for the nearest sharp object such as coconut scraper, and my right hand reaches for my car keys. Thankfully I do not have to hear from them very often. They are all settled in the U.S. for many years and only come to India once a year for annual leave cum fault-finding mission.
They are currently in Chennai and you may want to warn your readers to avoid Alwarpet for the next three weeks. Unfortunately I do not have this option. My wife forced me to go to their house earlier today for tea and snacks. So I went.
As soon as I entered the house I spotted her father wearing a ‘Harvard’ sweatshirt in the 35 degrees temperature as if he is some nuclear scientist in Copenhagen when actually he is a dentist from Karaikudi. We exchanged some pleasantries and then as soon as I began sipping my rosemilk he started with his unnecessary comments. First he said something about demonetisation. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have my notes. (Sir/ madam, just a joke). Then he passed some comments about Chennai airport being stuck in the medieval period. Again I maintained decorum. Then he spoke about cricket condescendingly and I maintained a dignified silence. This went on for another 10 minutes and then I lost my patience.
So I asked him how it was like living in the Presidency of a man with the appearance and political ability of a papaya.
Sir/madam, you should have seen her father’s face. Already sweating due to his Santa Claus jacket, his face turned a fluorescent pink. He delivered one full UGC TV programme about the power of the American democratic system. He said that he had complete faith in the constitution’s ability to safeguard the people of the U.S.. I told him that I was happy to know this and would try to read the Russian constitution at the earliest in order to understand all these points.
Five minutes later I had to make a hasty retreat to my own house.
Sir/madam, I want to make it very clear that I have nothing against Non-Resident Indians. Also I have nothing but sympathy for the American people in this moment of crisis.
However, as someone who has spent many years hearing lectures on democracy from friends and family living in the U.S., the Trump presidency is giving me considerable enjoyment. Things had become particularly unbearable during the Obama presidency. Obama is like this. Obama is like that. He speaks like this. He jokes like that. He is ageing so gracefully. He speaks so nicely. He writes like Shakespeare. He runs like Carl Lewis.
And now? It is like Sachin Tendulkar has been bowled out after a double century, and Radha Ravi is the next batsman for the U.S..
Sir/ madam, therefore can I please ask your newspaper to cover the Trump presidency with more enthusiasm and enjoyment? Each morning I wake up to see you talking about Trump with such sadness and disappointment. Kindly stop this right away. Instead let us enjoy this while we still can. Who knows what will happen in the future. Once again some Obama type will become the U.S. president. And I will have to listen to my daughter-in-law’s father.
Yours in tremendous self-satisfaction,
J. Mathrubootham
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http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-feature...
Dear Sir/ Madam,
I have just returned from a multi-cuisine restaurant near my house after a meeting with my neighbour, Mr. Balaraman. I used to hold Mr. Balaraman in very high regard for many years. Even though, and let me be frank, I always used to wonder how he paid for his exorbitant lifestyle. I think he is a retired bank employee. But every week, you can see somebody delivering things to his house that he has purchased on the Internet.
I don’t want to point fingers at anybody or spread rumours. But Mr. Balaraman was out of station for two weeks immediately after the Prime Minister announced demonetisation. I am just saying for your information and not suggesting anything nefarious is going on. What made it worse was that when he was away, somebody came to delivery a new television to his house. I generously agreed to store it in my house till Mr. Balaraman returned.
For two weeks, the TV sat under the staircase. It was a huge flat-screen curved nonsense. I mean what is the point of such a thing? For foolish people who want matching TV and bathtub? Every time my grandchildren walked past, they would look at it longingly and then look at me with disappointment in their eyes. And then they could go into my kitchen, open my fridge and drink Diet Coca Cola that I bought from the supermarket, in glasses that I stole from Air India flights at great risk to my personal dignity.
So I met Mr. Balaraman this morning over channa samosa and ras malai. We were having our usual conversations when I decided to order a Diet Coca Cola. Immediately Mr. Balaraman took out his phone and opened WhatsApp. And he handed the phone to me. After making a mental note of the exorbitant cost of his phone, I looked at the message.
The message said that scientists in the United States had discovered that if you put a human tooth in Cola for three days, the tooth will dissolve completely. And it also said that in many rich countries people use Cola for cleaning their toilets because it has so much acid. After I had finished reading this and was reluctantly giving his phone back, Mr. Balaraman said that I should stop drinking such things immediately. Without even asking me for permission, he called the waiter and cancelled my order. I ordered a rose milk instead.
Sir/ Madam, because of my friendship with Mr. Balaraman, I did not say anything at that time. But I had so many things to say. Bloody fool, am I going to walk around for three days with Diet Cola in my mouth till my teeth dissolves completely or what? You idiot. And acid it seems. Does Mr. Balaraman think that the human stomach is lined with paal payasam? Bloody money-laundering, TV-buying imbecile cancelling my order without asking me.
After our meeting, I walked back home and decided to watch some news on my normal, white-market, flat television. After a few minutes, I realised something.
Sir/ Madam, it just occurred to me that India is not only 70 years old, but has also started behaving like a 70-year-old person. Everyone is screaming and shouting at everything, everyone is afraid of new things, everyone has an opinion on things they don’t even understand, and, worst of all, everyone is ready to believe any nonsense that is presented to them. Fine, Mr. Balaraman is a retired gentleman. If he will believe nonsense, who can blame him?
But even young people are like that now. Just now I have received a WhatsApp message from one of my grandchildren that if I enter my ATM pin in reverse, police will immediately come to the ATM to rescue me from any danger. So I messaged him back saying my ATM pin is 1331, and how can police tell if I am in danger or not? My grandson has not replied. Perhaps he is in his IIT coaching class. He wants to become a computer science engineer.
This is the youth who will lead India into the next century.
Sir/ Madam, how will all this end? I worry about it very much.
Finally, sir, have you considered an article outlining how one can tell if friends or acquaintances are involved in criminal activities? I think many readers will benefit by this.
Yours in exasperation,
J. Mathrubootham
http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/greates...
Respected sir/madam,
So two days ago my son said, Appa tonight my close friend is coming for dinner, please join us. I said fine as long as it is not some start-up type criminal who wants me to invest my provident fund in some stupid company that delivers jackfruit to anybody within 30 minutes through mobile phone app.
He said no, no, that happened only once. Apparently this friend is the most intelligent person my son has ever met. He is the greatest mind in Madras it seems.
Is there any self-control in today’s world? Everybody and everything is either greatest of great in the history of mankind, such as Suhasini, or it is the most horrible thing that must be condemned immediately such as chaat masala. Whether there is any place for normal, average things?
Sir/madam, about chaat masala I want to clarify. Many years ago when I was working in Calcutta branch, my colleague, one Mrs. Ghosh (the junior accountant, not Mrs. Ghosh clerk, Mrs. Ghosh cashier or Mrs. Ghosh customer who used to come and sit the whole day in our branch just talking idle things and planning robbery, I don’t know) came to my desk with tiffin box.
She said, “Mr. Mathrubootham, you please try this delicacy I have made at home.”
So I tried some samosa type item. And then said, “What is this powder on top?” She said, chaat masala. I said, “Very good, can you please buy some petrol and one matchbox from the shop and come?” She asked, why? I said, “So that I can burn my mouth immediately and if the fire spreads and I am killed, then it is okay, at least the taste will stop.”
So fine. What about other things? Everything is greatest or worst. Why? Nonsense.
So this greatest mind in Madras came for dinner. All of us sat together and my son introduced this fellow. We started talking. I thought okay, I will ask some difficult questions to this genius. I asked, “What do you think will happen to the India-China border problem?”
Sir/madam, for 20 minutes this fellow said some nonsense about how situation is complex and America and geopolitics and balance of power and Bhutan and Russia and words just kept on coming out of his mouth one after the other in random order. In between Mrs. Mathrubootham said, “Oh my god, something is burning in the kitchen,” got up and smoothly walked out of the front door and went to Ganga Sweets for pudding.
Then after solving India-China problem, this fellow started talking about Kashmir problem, Israel-Palestine problem, Russia-Ukraine problem and many more.
Sir/madam, if I could record his lecture and send it to the Chinese, then immediately they will not only leave the border but also give Hong Kong or something as free gift.
Later, my son tried to defend this fellow saying that he went to some IIT and IIM and all.
Bloody fool. Just because some fellow cleared multiple choice entrance examination in 1985 or something means we should carry him on our shoulder for the rest of his life, is it? Because you can calculate hypotenuse of benzene using ammeter and all that, you are suddenly qualified to solve all problems in the world? You shut up and do your job man. Instead of ignoring such people, folks like my son will carry them around like some avataram of Galileo in the 21st century.
Why? Because nobody wants normal, average things any more. Only great genius people are popular these days. Nonsense. All frauds with big words.
Yours in exasperation,
J. Mathrubootham