▶ — ▶ Manipulative Behaviour v/s influence (don't be afraid of tomato manipulation )
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We are all unique and as such, our behaviour will be diverse as well. When it comes to manipulative behaviour there are numerous variations but there is a common framework within which most manipulative behaviour can be identified.
I have put together a list of common examples of manipulative behaviour. By its very nature- manipulative behaviour is sneaky, deceptive and devious. This is why many people on the receiving end of manipulative behaviour are aware that something isn’t quite right but they can’t come up with any specifics. This can lead the ‘victim’ to doubt their perceptions and sometimes wonder if they are going crazy.
The Cause of Manipulative Behaviour
Many manipulative people learn these
dysfunctional ways of behaving when they are children. A common cause is when parents are authoritarian and leave no room for their children’s opinions and input. Their children’s natural emotional development is stifled and they are suppressed by strict rules and a general attitude of ‘do as you are told or there will be negative consequences’. A child faced with this rigid environment needs to be resourceful and come up with clever ways to ‘get their own back’. This will include passive-aggressive behaviours to try regain some control. Such as – they may rebel in a less obvious way by stealing money from their parents, lying or being devious in some other way. Then when their parents are telling them what to do, because they aren’t allowed to directly express anger or disagreement, they can comfort themselves by knowing they have ‘harmed’ their strict parent in some other way. Psychologically, this restores some sort of balance for the child and helps them cope with the perceived unfairness of the situation. This dysfunctional way of dealing with perceived emotional threat then gets carried over into adult relationships and this is where the trouble begins…
The Introduction to the manipulative ‘main course’
Manipulative abusers tend to dwell in extremes. They often start off being extremely thoughtful, considerate and attentive. They put you on a pedestal and put in a lot of effort. This is part of the grooming process. Getting you high on the feeling of flattery and feeling special is part of the manipulation. Once they have you emotionally ‘hooked’ they have a stronger position from which to start manipulating and controlling you. In some cases, manipulators lack empathy and part of the extreme behaviour involves them acting the part of a caring person. As they can lack empathy, they do not feel in touch with their emotions and have to go through the motions of acting in a way that they believe a kind, caring person would. This is when the behaviour can seem a little extreme and unnatural. For example if they are excessively polite and over the top when it comes to complimenting you and giving gifts it could be a sign of trouble. Beware of extremes.
Examples of manipulative behaviour
1) Minimising
Manipulative behaviour involves minimising its effects on others. When the recipient of a nasty or insensitive comment speaks up, the manipulative person, instead of being concerned that they have upset someone, will counter with the reply, “I was only joking. Can’t you take a joke?” or “You are SO sensitive!”. This completely minimises the emotional impact and leaves the recipient with no where to go. They are left feeling they are to blame.
Another example, “I am feeling so stressed today” (hoping for sympathy and support). Manipulators response: “You don’t know what stress is!”. If you get upset, you will invariably be told “I was only joking!”. There is no validation, empathy or support. Manipulators can also be entrenched narcissists.
2)Never accepting blame
Manipulative people blame everyone else, they very rarely accept their part to play in life situations. Their behaviour is often seen by the as a response to something someone else has done. If they hadn’t annoyed me, it would never have happened. If they had listened, I would need to act this way etc. They like to absolve themselves from any personal responsibility for their actions. A good example: you trip over their shoes/bag etc in the night as they have placed them too near the doorway. When you fall over them you are blamed by the manipulator because you should watch where you are going or you should have turned on the light (the fact that they left their belongings where people walk is not considered or mentioned).
3) Non-verbal signs of manipulative behaviour
Eye rolling, sighing, head shaking – these are some of the typical behaviours exhibited by a manipulator. They show disapproval or disappointment without having to say a word and leave the victim feeling shame and guilt. It is all part of the process of making another person doubt themselves – a slow-drip erosion of their confidence occurs over time.
4) Gaslighting
This manipulative behaviour can easily make a person feel they are going crazy. Gaslighting involves planting false information as true in order to make another person doubt themselves and their perceptions. This is cleverly done over a slow period and can leave a person confused and unsure of themselves. Your partner may swear they told you about the party on the weekend and, even though they didn’t in reality, the more time goes on, the less confidence you have in your version. There needs to be a deliberate, dishonest aspect to it — in other words, there needs to be lying. Simply telling someone they can’t take a joke doesn’t qualify as lying, nor gaslighting, nor abuse.Here are signs of gaslighting:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy.
4. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
5. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
6. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
7. You have trouble making simple decisions.
8. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
9. You feel hopeless and joyless.
10. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
11. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
5) Thwarting your efforts/efficiency
Behind the scenes, your manipulative partner might be finding subtle ways to thwart and frustrate you. This secret, and the ensuing frustration for you, allows them to feel in control in a passive-aggressive manner. For example – they ‘forget’ to tell you about an important phone message and as a result you miss an important meeting. When they know something is important to you, they will adopt subtle behaviour that provokes an emotional response from you. One of the ways they control and manipulative is by knowing your weaknesses and pressing those emotional buttons. For example – I dated a man who would be strict with my dog and shout at my dog, knowing that it would upset me. The dog became a legitimate target for eliciting emotion in me and thereby allowing him to feel in control. When I reacted, it would ‘obviously’ result in blame being placed upon me and how overly sensitive I am.
If you are in a rush to get somewhere, a manipulative person might drag their heels and delay you even further. Everything is done so subtly that it is hard to point to specific evidence and ultimately the sane person begins to unravel while the manipulator feels more powerful. Withholding information is a very common tactic, manipulators revel in the fact that they have information and that you are none-the-wiser.
6) Telling you that you “don’t listen”
A very arrogant tactic that places the manipulator in the ‘righteous’ position and assumes that the listener is not understanding correctly. A sane balanced person will also look at their own communication skills instead of blaming another for not listening correctly. This serves to keep you diminished and undermine your confidence. It keeps the manipulator in the ‘power seat’.
7) Leading statements
“Don’t you think that…”
“Why have you done it that way?”
“I am wondering why you….”
“I suppose you are going to…”
“I thought that was what you wanted…”
Manipulators will do their best to change you subtly to accommodate the way they see the world. This ranges from how you should dress, who you should see, how you should do the housework, your shopping habits (buy this product, not that one), he way you bring up the children, how you behave around others, how and when you need to be available when they want to speak to you…the list is endless.
How to deal with manipulation
Be assertive. No one has the right to tell you what to do or how to do it. Use assertive script to let them know what they do/say that you dislike. For example…
When you….. criticise me, I feel…..undermined, so what I would like you to do is …..stop judging me and try to say more positive things.
Ask questions, this makes the manipulator explain themselves and think through what they are saying. It also gives you a chance to challenge them.
Dont accept statements, reframe them as a question or repeat for clarity…are you asking me if….never allow them to foist their views on to you.
When dealing with manipulative people, answer questions only, not statements. Train your ears to recognize the difference. You must learn to ask the Yes/No question, but not get tricked by a disguised question. Repeat the last 3 or 4 words of the statement back to the manipulator, forcing him/her to admit it was a question.
Ask for time – I want to think about it
Let things slide. Don’t respond to bad behavior. Don’t reply defensively and avoid saying “I’m sorry but…” You can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies:
“That’s my decision”
“I know you’re unhappy, but that’s the way it is”
“I’ll have to think about that”
“You seem upset”
“We’ll talk later when you aren’t so upset.”
“We don’t always have to agree.”
“I prefer it that way”
“You’re right” (and drop the subject)
How to protect yourself from emotional manipulation
– Act on your own merits, not because of how someone makes you feel
– Avoid being completely honest and open with an emotional manipulator – they will use it against you
– Trust your intuition before you offer sympathy and give up your energy with advice – generally their problems don’t exist or are exaggerated
– Act with integrity to avoid any guilt trips, you will know you’re doing your best
– Keep a log when dealing with an emotional manipulator, so you can clearly see what was said when
– Don’t let others affect your energy levels, this is your choice
– Avoid trying to help them change – they are highly resistant to change and won’t recognise their problem
– Know your weaknesses and what pressures you to give-in and be conscious of this
– Stick to the facts in arguments and don’t try to defend yourself (it opens you to more abuse)
– Stop manipulative interactions as quickly as you can – use short responses, end the conversation or leave: limit the time you spend with this person if you can
– Know your boundaries and stick to them
– Don’t take threats personally – detach yourself so this is no longer a pressure tactic for them
– Get stronger by knowing who you are and staying firm in your values and beliefs
– Get some validation by sharing the interaction with someone else
– Calmly let the manipulator know that what was said was outrageous and unacceptable without causing the situation to escalate They will probably not acknowledge the way you see things (my minimising and never taking responsibility for their behaviour) but still let them know you don’t accept what they are doing or saying.
– Once you have identified that this person uses emotional manipulation tactics: WALK AWAY! Their act will only work on an audience.
Manipulation is not the same as influence.
We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
References: www.psycholog...ay, alfredmacdonald, lifeesteem, abuseandrelationships, heartless-bitches, way-of-the-mind, happinessweekly, nist6dh, thoughtsonlifeandlove
fpd suggested
@ronakbaxi1234893 wrote:
fpd suggested
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:@Troll wrote:
Pata h buddy Her kisi k no hot auk**
Newbie per rop jamate h jab tak koi bata n de unko unki auk**
Bikul sahi, ab time aa gaya hai to show them their ‘aukaat’.
Why are you both spamming here? You won’t be getting any tomatoes over here. Go and start your own topic if you are running low on tomatoes.
@dexter1989 wrote:
Why are you both spamming here? You won’t be getting any tomatoes over here. Go and start your own topic if you are running low on tomatoes.
This is the best place for such activities and pls don’t use the word ‘spam’, this is a tribute to our ancestors. Since, DD is running out of space hence no new topic.
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:
This is the best place for such activities and pls don’t use the word ‘spam’, this is a tribute to our ancestors. Since, DD is running out of space hence no new topic.
Are you trying to manipulate or influence me? I’m confused.
@dexter1989 wrote:
Are you trying to manipulate or influence me? I’m confused.
Actually, I’m confused too after reading OP’s great article what am I doing! But, I’m sure about one thing that someone’s great power has manipulated this thread and we(me and @Troll) are trying to influence bad effects out of it, some are really very bad.
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:
Actually, I’m confused too after reading OP’s great article what am I doing! But, I’m sure about one thing that someone’s great power has manipulated this thread and we(me and @Troll) are trying to influence bad effects out of it, some are really very bad.
Even I’ve seen this dark,mysterious force trying to manipulate all topics of the OP. It seems the only purpose of this evil power is to weed out positivity from this forum and what better way to do it than targeting the OP. I’m really thankful you and @Troll are around to protect us.
thanks
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
http://i.imgur.com/QaHEa...if
thanks
@dexter1989
You forgot to say thanks to me and @Troll, why?
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
https://i.imgur.com/QaHEa...if
thanks
@dexter1989
You forgot to say thanks to me and @Troll, why?
Koi Nahi
Neki Kar
Aur Barood se Uda 
@Troll wrote:
@B@R_0_0_D @ Dost and Dime Translation New rule applied from now on
Hindi is Compulsory From Now on ask any @admin846 @admin13 @admin99 @admin511 @admin829
src=“https://cdn0.desidime.com/smileys/9IR...if”>
why are you tagging my other ids again and again ?? 
Do you want negative karmas 
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
http://i.imgur.com/QaHEa...if
thanks
@dexter1989
You forgot to say thanks to me and @Troll, why?
Ya missed it, but u never goes out of mind
So question of missing does not arise. Even if i try to skip u, great moungers like papaya, afeem, DANCE , Riya, does not ALLOW it. Already hot many friends like Amar, Akbar & Anthony. !
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
http://i.imgur.com/QaHEa...if
thanks
@dexter1989
You forgot to say thanks to me and @Troll, why?
Ya missed it, but u never goes out of mind
So question of missing does not arise. Even if i try to skip u, great moungers like papaya, afeem, DANCE , Riya, does not ALLOW it. Already hot many friends like Amar, Akbar & Anthony. !
aaj to batao who is amar akbar and anthony
Tumhare dost aur kaun !
@Gr@h@m@lkene™ wrote:@dexter1989 wrote:
we(me and @Troll) are trying to influence bad effects out of it
you and troll?
Why man?
Don’t you know what happened to aarya who supported troll all the time?
Did troll trick you too in her favour by her famous pm game? You were really a sensible man, at least that’s what I believed.How could you … with troll? Oh man! I feel sorry for you
@Troll wrote:@Magus wrote:
You are a chronic liar but @B@R_0_0_D is not.
There have I said what my heart wished to.
Jigar Chaiye Bolne Ke liye Jigar
CC-
I don’t have jigra, and I don’t need one either. My fingers does the talking for me when I’m online. Different fingers have different skills and cater to majority of dimers here. When all else fails for some dimers, my middle finger does the talking.
Your response to this will determine which of my fingers takes charge next. . .
@goldigger wrote:@Troll wrote:@Magus wrote:
You are a chronic liar but @B@R_0_0_D is not.
There have I said what my heart wished to.
Jigar Chaiye Bolne Ke liye Jigar
CC-
I don’t have jigra, and I don’t need one either. My fingers does the talking for me when I’m online. Different fingers have different skills and cater to majority of dimers here. When all else fails for some dimers, my middle finger does the talking.
Your response to this will determine which of my fingers takes charge next. . .
Just Remember –
Nobody give a rat’s *$$
How to praise
Tom Cox is a consultant, author and speaker based in Beaverton, Oregon. He has worked in nearly every private sector industry as well as the public sector, improving any process that involves people. His weekly radio program “Tom on Leadership” can be supplemented for training.
One of the most powerful forms of human communications is praise. We are surrounded by opportunities to use it — in teamwork, in the workplace, in family life, in volunteering, even in dog training — and when we do it well, it works wonders.
Effective praise can permanently raise someone’s performance. It can dramatically alter someone’s self-image, or even the trajectory of their life. At the very least, it can make their day better.
At the same time, wrong praise at the wrong time, in the wrong manner, can be worse than useless — it can be devastating.
Master a few basic concepts, and you can give truly effective praise every time — you can praise like a man.
Phase 1: Basic Praise
At the very least, your praise should always include these three elements:
The name of the person you are praising
The specific thing you saw them do, and where and when
Sincerity
Their name — you should always address a person by their name because it conveys respect. The sweetest word in most people’s ears is the sound of their own name. And, if you address me by my name, it means you know my name — it means you’ve noticed me. One of the great cravings of the human soul is to be noticed. If you start any sentence with someone’s name, you’re starting off on the right foot.
The specifics — if your praise is vague, it can sound insincere. As you start to praise more, you will frequently encounter people resisting your praise — they will say “it was nothing” or “I was just doing my job.” And maybe, deep down, they don’t think they deserve praise, or perhaps they suspect you are trying to manipulate them. If you are extremely specific, you can bypass that resistance and earn their trust.
Contrast these two statements:
“Hey, good job yesterday.”
Versus
“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work.”
If Jim is having a hard time accepting praise, the first statement is unlikely to be effective. The second statement, however, demonstrates to Jim three things: that you know his name, that you saw and noticed what he was up to, and that you have a positive opinion of what he did. By anchoring your praise with the specific time and place and other details, you can help Jim give himself permission to believe you.
Sincerity — you should only ever give praise that you actually mean. Unearned praise is mere flattery. A real man doesn’t manipulate people’s emotions, or use false or empty praise. Think about a time you earned the praise of somebody you respected. You valued that praise because you valued the opinion of the person giving it. And, you valued that praise because you trusted the sincerity of the person giving it.
As you grow in manliness, you will increasingly become the kind of person whose opinion is valued by others. And your good opinion will be valued in direct proportion to how much your listener respects you, and believes you. (Never try to fake sincerity — the worst thing that might happen is, you succeed and get good at it, undermining your integrity, the foundation of true manliness.)
As I teach people how to give effective praise, this aspect of sincerity can be a real stumbling block. If it is, respect it. Become more mindful. When you are mindful enough to notice that you are struggling with sincerity, you are also mindful enough to start to develop some true sincerity. Contemplate the person whom you would like to praise. Open yourself up to noticing what it is they are doing right. Open yourself up to feeling a true sense of appreciation for what they’re doing. Once you’re in touch with that true sense of appreciation, you can voice it with sincerity.
And when you praise, you are making a statement about right and wrong. You can only give sincere praise for good work if you know what good work is. You can only praise someone for taking the right path, when you know which path is right. A real man knows right from wrong, and is not afraid to champion the right. Effective praise is a gentle and effective way to champion the right.
Phase 2: Advanced Praise
Once you are starting to get good at normal praise, you can move on to a more advanced form. This is where effective praise can truly become life-changing.
Before you voice your positive comments, stop and ask yourself “What is the positive character trait that must exist inside that person for them to have exhibited this behavior?”
This is always the hardest thing I teach about praise, so give it some respect. In workshops, I will distribute a list of over 100 positive character traits, and give everyone time to browse through it to find one that fits the circumstance. It may be useful for you to have a thesaurus handy. A positive character trait can be anything from honesty to compassion, from hard-working to having a positive attitude, from being customer focused to being a team player.
Once you have identified the positive character trait that brought about the positive behavior that you witnessed, you add that character trait to the end of your praise:
“Hey Jim, I was really impressed with you yesterday — I noticed at three o’clock you had that huge stack of orders to handle, and when I was back at four you had finished all of them. That was some great work — you were really focused. I like being on the team with somebody who has your kind of focus.”
Several things will happen. If the person is inclined to resist, they may resist more strongly. If your details are not specific enough, they may not believe you. And if you lack sincerity, they will sense it immediately, and they will feel betrayed or manipulated. However, if you have done everything right, if you have been observant, if you are right with the details, if you are sincere, then what you are doing is providing them a glimpse of their best self through your eyes.
I truly believe that none of us will consistently behave in ways that are fundamentally at odds with our own self-image. Everyone’s behavior will tend to normalize — to cluster around — the behavior that they expect from themselves. When you truly, and with sincerity, give someone advanced praise, you are giving them the opportunity to upgrade their self-image.
Maybe Jim never thought of himself as being particularly focused. Maybe he even thought he was weak in that area. You, however, with your own eyes saw him behave in a highly focused way. When you share that with him, and you give it the name “focus,” he almost has no choice. You’ve shown the evidence, and you’re speaking with sincerity. At some level, he has to accept at least the possibility that he is a focused person, or that he is capable of behaving in a focused way. When he got up that morning, he didn’t think of himself that way. Now, because of your praise, he can see himself standing with a large “F” on his chest — he is Focused Man.
It is hard to overstate how transformational this can be. Under the right circumstances, the right word of praise and encouragement, spoken into the ear of someone who needs it and is ready, can unlock their human potential.
A Warning
Because praise is powerful, it is also dangerous. If you give someone praise that they truly don’t think they deserve, they can feel worse than if you’d said nothing, and they can even start to think that you are clueless. Similarly, if someone is convinced they did good job and you criticize or nitpick, that can be profoundly demoralizing.
So, be careful, and practice. A real man can handle power with responsibility. As you continue to grow in manliness, you will find effective praise comes easily to your lips and honestly from your heart.
artofmanliness
Story: The Mosquito and the Elephant
A mosquito saw an elephant crossing a
bridge and asked for a ride. The mosquito
said, “Hello mate! What if I sit on your back
and give you some company as you cross
the bridge?”
The elephant said nothing. The mosquito sat on the elephant’s back. He felt very proud that hecould persuade the elephant to be a co-rider. As they
were crossing the bridge, the mosquito cried out,
“Watch out brother, two of us are very heavy, make sure the
bridge does not collapse!”
The elephant said nothing. As they crossed over through the bridge, the mosquito said,“See, how I guided you safely through!”
The elephant said nothing.
Finally, the mosquito got off the elephant’s
back and buzzed, “Here is my business card. If you need
any help in the future just call me on my cell phone.” The
elephant thought that he heard some whisper somewhere.
But he dismissed this as a daydream and
marched on…
Flash-1: You are an elephant with enormous qualities with full control on your life. No matter what you do, people having mosquito-like-attitude will always disrupt you, criticize you, mock you but you need to remember the fact that you are the boss and no one is in-charge of your happiness. So just ignore such people, ignore their criticism and move on with your life.
Flash-2: The elephant is the enormous flow of our life. The mosquito is our restless ego that thrives by sucking life’s attention. There is an interior life beyond our ego that is connected to a vast and infinite expanse of awareness. Be aware, be the elephant!
Lawyers Are Full Of Bull
-———————————
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”
What is inside?
“’If I were to squeeze the orange as hard as I could,
what would come out?’ I asked him.
He looked at me like I was a little crazy and said,
‘Juice, of course.’
‘Do you think apple juice could come out of it?’
‘No’ he laughed.
‘What about grapefruit juice?’ ‘No!’
‘What would come out of it?’
‘Orange juice, of course.’
‘Why?
Why when you squeeze an orange does orange juice come out?’
He may have been getting a little exasperated
with me at this point.
‘Well, it’s an orange and that’s what’s inside.
“I nodded.
’Let’s assume that this orange isn’t an orange, but it’s you.
And someone squeezes you,
puts pressure on you,
says something you don’t like,
offends you.
And out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, fear.
Why?
The answer, as our young friend has told us,
is because that’s what’s inside.’
It’s one of the great lessons of life.
What comes out when life squeezes you?
When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear
come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside.
It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing:
your mother,
your brother,
your children,
your boss,
the government.
If someone says something about you that you don’t like,
what comes out of you is what’s inside.
And what’s inside is up to you, it’s your choice.
When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes
anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed
to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t
want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find
yourself living a highly functioning life."
HAVE YOU BEEN HONEST?
@roman reigns@ @BUTTERFLYBOY
 for Rs. at ){kind=link}
Pata h buddy Her kisi k no hot auk**
Newbie per rop jamate h jab tak koi bata n de unko unki auk**