▶ — ▶ Manipulative Behaviour v/s influence (don't be afraid of tomato manipulation )
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We are all unique and as such, our behaviour will be diverse as well. When it comes to manipulative behaviour there are numerous variations but there is a common framework within which most manipulative behaviour can be identified.
I have put together a list of common examples of manipulative behaviour. By its very nature- manipulative behaviour is sneaky, deceptive and devious. This is why many people on the receiving end of manipulative behaviour are aware that something isn’t quite right but they can’t come up with any specifics. This can lead the ‘victim’ to doubt their perceptions and sometimes wonder if they are going crazy.
The Cause of Manipulative Behaviour
Many manipulative people learn these
dysfunctional ways of behaving when they are children. A common cause is when parents are authoritarian and leave no room for their children’s opinions and input. Their children’s natural emotional development is stifled and they are suppressed by strict rules and a general attitude of ‘do as you are told or there will be negative consequences’. A child faced with this rigid environment needs to be resourceful and come up with clever ways to ‘get their own back’. This will include passive-aggressive behaviours to try regain some control. Such as – they may rebel in a less obvious way by stealing money from their parents, lying or being devious in some other way. Then when their parents are telling them what to do, because they aren’t allowed to directly express anger or disagreement, they can comfort themselves by knowing they have ‘harmed’ their strict parent in some other way. Psychologically, this restores some sort of balance for the child and helps them cope with the perceived unfairness of the situation. This dysfunctional way of dealing with perceived emotional threat then gets carried over into adult relationships and this is where the trouble begins…
The Introduction to the manipulative ‘main course’
Manipulative abusers tend to dwell in extremes. They often start off being extremely thoughtful, considerate and attentive. They put you on a pedestal and put in a lot of effort. This is part of the grooming process. Getting you high on the feeling of flattery and feeling special is part of the manipulation. Once they have you emotionally ‘hooked’ they have a stronger position from which to start manipulating and controlling you. In some cases, manipulators lack empathy and part of the extreme behaviour involves them acting the part of a caring person. As they can lack empathy, they do not feel in touch with their emotions and have to go through the motions of acting in a way that they believe a kind, caring person would. This is when the behaviour can seem a little extreme and unnatural. For example if they are excessively polite and over the top when it comes to complimenting you and giving gifts it could be a sign of trouble. Beware of extremes.
Examples of manipulative behaviour
1) Minimising
Manipulative behaviour involves minimising its effects on others. When the recipient of a nasty or insensitive comment speaks up, the manipulative person, instead of being concerned that they have upset someone, will counter with the reply, “I was only joking. Can’t you take a joke?” or “You are SO sensitive!”. This completely minimises the emotional impact and leaves the recipient with no where to go. They are left feeling they are to blame.
Another example, “I am feeling so stressed today” (hoping for sympathy and support). Manipulators response: “You don’t know what stress is!”. If you get upset, you will invariably be told “I was only joking!”. There is no validation, empathy or support. Manipulators can also be entrenched narcissists.
2)Never accepting blame
Manipulative people blame everyone else, they very rarely accept their part to play in life situations. Their behaviour is often seen by the as a response to something someone else has done. If they hadn’t annoyed me, it would never have happened. If they had listened, I would need to act this way etc. They like to absolve themselves from any personal responsibility for their actions. A good example: you trip over their shoes/bag etc in the night as they have placed them too near the doorway. When you fall over them you are blamed by the manipulator because you should watch where you are going or you should have turned on the light (the fact that they left their belongings where people walk is not considered or mentioned).
3) Non-verbal signs of manipulative behaviour
Eye rolling, sighing, head shaking – these are some of the typical behaviours exhibited by a manipulator. They show disapproval or disappointment without having to say a word and leave the victim feeling shame and guilt. It is all part of the process of making another person doubt themselves – a slow-drip erosion of their confidence occurs over time.
4) Gaslighting
This manipulative behaviour can easily make a person feel they are going crazy. Gaslighting involves planting false information as true in order to make another person doubt themselves and their perceptions. This is cleverly done over a slow period and can leave a person confused and unsure of themselves. Your partner may swear they told you about the party on the weekend and, even though they didn’t in reality, the more time goes on, the less confidence you have in your version. There needs to be a deliberate, dishonest aspect to it — in other words, there needs to be lying. Simply telling someone they can’t take a joke doesn’t qualify as lying, nor gaslighting, nor abuse.Here are signs of gaslighting:
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy.
4. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
5. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
6. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
7. You have trouble making simple decisions.
8. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
9. You feel hopeless and joyless.
10. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
11. You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
5) Thwarting your efforts/efficiency
Behind the scenes, your manipulative partner might be finding subtle ways to thwart and frustrate you. This secret, and the ensuing frustration for you, allows them to feel in control in a passive-aggressive manner. For example – they ‘forget’ to tell you about an important phone message and as a result you miss an important meeting. When they know something is important to you, they will adopt subtle behaviour that provokes an emotional response from you. One of the ways they control and manipulative is by knowing your weaknesses and pressing those emotional buttons. For example – I dated a man who would be strict with my dog and shout at my dog, knowing that it would upset me. The dog became a legitimate target for eliciting emotion in me and thereby allowing him to feel in control. When I reacted, it would ‘obviously’ result in blame being placed upon me and how overly sensitive I am.
If you are in a rush to get somewhere, a manipulative person might drag their heels and delay you even further. Everything is done so subtly that it is hard to point to specific evidence and ultimately the sane person begins to unravel while the manipulator feels more powerful. Withholding information is a very common tactic, manipulators revel in the fact that they have information and that you are none-the-wiser.
6) Telling you that you “don’t listen”
A very arrogant tactic that places the manipulator in the ‘righteous’ position and assumes that the listener is not understanding correctly. A sane balanced person will also look at their own communication skills instead of blaming another for not listening correctly. This serves to keep you diminished and undermine your confidence. It keeps the manipulator in the ‘power seat’.
7) Leading statements
“Don’t you think that…”
“Why have you done it that way?”
“I am wondering why you….”
“I suppose you are going to…”
“I thought that was what you wanted…”
Manipulators will do their best to change you subtly to accommodate the way they see the world. This ranges from how you should dress, who you should see, how you should do the housework, your shopping habits (buy this product, not that one), he way you bring up the children, how you behave around others, how and when you need to be available when they want to speak to you…the list is endless.
How to deal with manipulation
Be assertive. No one has the right to tell you what to do or how to do it. Use assertive script to let them know what they do/say that you dislike. For example…
When you….. criticise me, I feel…..undermined, so what I would like you to do is …..stop judging me and try to say more positive things.
Ask questions, this makes the manipulator explain themselves and think through what they are saying. It also gives you a chance to challenge them.
Dont accept statements, reframe them as a question or repeat for clarity…are you asking me if….never allow them to foist their views on to you.
When dealing with manipulative people, answer questions only, not statements. Train your ears to recognize the difference. You must learn to ask the Yes/No question, but not get tricked by a disguised question. Repeat the last 3 or 4 words of the statement back to the manipulator, forcing him/her to admit it was a question.
Ask for time – I want to think about it
Let things slide. Don’t respond to bad behavior. Don’t reply defensively and avoid saying “I’m sorry but…” You can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies:
“That’s my decision”
“I know you’re unhappy, but that’s the way it is”
“I’ll have to think about that”
“You seem upset”
“We’ll talk later when you aren’t so upset.”
“We don’t always have to agree.”
“I prefer it that way”
“You’re right” (and drop the subject)
How to protect yourself from emotional manipulation
– Act on your own merits, not because of how someone makes you feel
– Avoid being completely honest and open with an emotional manipulator – they will use it against you
– Trust your intuition before you offer sympathy and give up your energy with advice – generally their problems don’t exist or are exaggerated
– Act with integrity to avoid any guilt trips, you will know you’re doing your best
– Keep a log when dealing with an emotional manipulator, so you can clearly see what was said when
– Don’t let others affect your energy levels, this is your choice
– Avoid trying to help them change – they are highly resistant to change and won’t recognise their problem
– Know your weaknesses and what pressures you to give-in and be conscious of this
– Stick to the facts in arguments and don’t try to defend yourself (it opens you to more abuse)
– Stop manipulative interactions as quickly as you can – use short responses, end the conversation or leave: limit the time you spend with this person if you can
– Know your boundaries and stick to them
– Don’t take threats personally – detach yourself so this is no longer a pressure tactic for them
– Get stronger by knowing who you are and staying firm in your values and beliefs
– Get some validation by sharing the interaction with someone else
– Calmly let the manipulator know that what was said was outrageous and unacceptable without causing the situation to escalate They will probably not acknowledge the way you see things (my minimising and never taking responsibility for their behaviour) but still let them know you don’t accept what they are doing or saying.
– Once you have identified that this person uses emotional manipulation tactics: WALK AWAY! Their act will only work on an audience.
Manipulation is not the same as influence.
We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
References: www.psycholog...ay, alfredmacdonald, lifeesteem, abuseandrelationships, heartless-bitches, way-of-the-mind, happinessweekly, nist6dh, thoughtsonlifeandlove
Anxiety Can Make You Walk In Opposite Direction
Indo-Asian News Service |
The findings may have implications for the treatment of unilateral neglect, which is a condition caused by a lack of awareness of one side of space. (Representational Image)
London: Did you notice why you suddenly start moving in the other direction when in stress? Blame your brain as people experiencing anxiety have more activity on the right side of the brain, causing them to walk in a leftward trajectory, researchers report.
Dr Mario Weick from the University of Kent has for the first time linked the activation of the brain’s two hemispheres with lateral shifts in people’s walking trajectories.
In research aimed at establishing why individuals display a tendency to allocate attention unequally across space, people were blindfolded and asked to walk in a straight line across a room towards a previously seen target.
The researchers found evidence that blindfolded individuals who displayed inhibition or anxiety were prone to walk to the left, indicating greater activation in the right hemisphere of the brain.
The research, published in the journal Cognition, indicates that the brain’s two hemispheres are associated with different motivational systems.
These relate on the right side to inhibition and on the left to approach.
“This is the first time researchers have established a clear link between inhibition and activation in the right side of the brain,” the study noted.
The findings may have implications for the treatment of unilateral neglect, which is a condition caused by a lack of awareness of one side of space.
In particular, individuals suffering from right-sided neglect may benefit from interventions to reduce anxiety.
Rigid Ego
Looking into a blank mirror you can’t see your reflection. Might as well look into a black mirror. Life is a real mirror that you can use as you journey through life to greater wisdom, or one that you refuse to look beyond the ego into the real inner you. The ‘ego’ that keeps feeding your illusion of who you think you are afloat, one day will break the clear mirror of who you really are. Having nothing to hide behind is to be naked to who you really are. You’re wrong about everything you think you’re right about!
The shadow of truth isn’t the truth. Ever look into a clear mirror and see your shadow? When you look into that mirror do you see yourself, or what you have come to believe, but don’t know for sure? The crescent moon hides the full moon as does the ego that either sees the dark side of the moon or a false, reflective perspective of yourself shinning off the dark lake. Trying to grab a reflection is like trying to grab the moon. The ego is a self convincer of the false self. The mind of ego is but a reflector of a shadow that disappears in a moment of haste.
The fully ‘working mind’ is an illusion while the heart is tucked in the closet. Mind keeping your life afloat is an embarrassment to the real you that doesn’t need the strutting ego. Why vote yourself number one when there is nothing to compare it to but the illusions of the mind? The real dirt is not outside, but inside, in our hearts. We can wash all stains with water. The only one we can’t remove is the grudge and the bad intentions sticking to our hearts.
The heart can tell the ego that brings pain to go away, and let me be with life’s best answer for your journey. Be flexible for what you know from the mind, it can well be like bubbles in the sky, meaningless. Sell yourself to others with skillful means. Pretend to be from your heart if you can’t easily reach it, but only if you come from clear, compassionate, empathetic thinking. A crack in the heart is the beginning of letting in divine energy to cast the light around you and wherever you go.
I am the dust in the sunlight, I am the ball of the sun.
I am the mist of morning, the breath of evening.
I am the spark in the stone, the gleam of gold in the metal.
The rose and the nightingale drunk with its fragrance.
I am the chain of being, the circle of the spheres,
The scale of creation, the rise and the fall.
I am what is and is not, I am the soul in all…
There are people out there that exhibit behaviors that suck the energy and life out of us with their excessive negativity, gossip, and selfishness. Relationships should serve both parties equally, and when it doesn’t, it might be time to reevaluate the need for that particular relationship in your life.
Here are 8 toxic behaviors mentally strong people never tolerate.
Excessive Negativity
When you are working on creating a better life, the first thing to make an impact is a change in our thoughts. Moving from negative thought patterns to thoughts that serve us is difficult enough without being surrounded by excessive negativity.
It isn’t perfect positive thought you are after with your friends, but more the ability for your friends to recognize and move through negative thought. Being surrounded by someone who constantly expresses negative thought is disruptive to your personal growth.
Gossip
Gossip weakens relationships. Gossip is a conversation about other people and is usually malicious in intent. Gossip happens when your relationship isn’t strong or based on meaningful connection.
Make your relationships about you and the other person and avoid bringing other people into it. Pay attention to how your conversations make you feel. Chances are if you are gossiping, you won’t like the feeling.
Selfish Behaviors
If you start to examine your most successful and least successful relationships, chances are a common theme found in your least successful ones would be selfishness. Strong relationships are ones that serve both parties and do not focus on one person over the other.
It can be difficult to realize selfish behavior exists, especially when you feel like your partner is in crisis or needs your help. Both people in the relationship should be able to express their needs. You should never tolerate a relationship with someone that makes you feel bad for making your needs known.
Lack of Compassion
Life is hard – very, very hard. There is no need to make it harder by surrounding yourself with people who are not kind. And it is more than just being kind to you, it’s being kind to everyone.
Compassion is about general kindness and concern for all people, the people that matter to us and those we don’t even know. Ask yourself this, “Do you really want to surround yourself with people who have no concern for the suffering of others?”
Stubbornness
There is a little streak of stubbornness in all of us. And a little of it is a good thing, it can help us persevere and drive us to complete goals.
It is the refusal to compromise, see another point of view and the unwillingness to change; that is detrimental to a relationship. It’s important to recognize that the relationship isn’t serving you if you are doing all the compromising.
Superficial Judgements
It is one thing to look at a situation and process things based on what is happening. Then taking those perceptions and trying to make sense of them. It is a whole different thing to process what is happening based on how we think they should be.
When other people try to define actions and experiences based on their hopes for what they want, they are judging in a way that is unhealthy to us, to them and those around us.
What’s more, superficial judgments can often lead to gossip, which we already know is a behavior that doesn’t serve a relationship.
Manipulative Actions
It is the natural tendency to want to think the best of people, but it is important to be aware that there are people that will do anything to get what they want. It never feels good to be manipulated, and you might not even be aware that it is happening.
If someone is using guilt, selective memories, excessive compliments or even bullying tactics to get something they want, chances are they are trying to manipulate you. Stay true to what you know is right and don’t let someone else’s manipulative tactics influence you.
Playing the Victim
When someone plays the role of victim, it is because they do not want to take responsibility for their actions. Accepting that life is less than perfect and accepting our role in the decisions we make is an important part of being happy.
Once a victim, always a victim and when we surround ourselves with victims chances are we will become one too. It’s natural to want to explain away a failed attempt at something, and it is up to us to hold the people around us, and ourselves, accountable and challenge victim thoughts.
We make the choice, whether consciously or unconsciously, to gossip, play the victim or judge others. We also make the choice to stay in relationships only with people that exhibit the right kind of behaviors. If you are paying attention to how your relationships make you feel, more than likely you will be able to determine if the relationship is serving you.
What toxic behaviors have you stopped allowing in your life?
Source: powerofpositivity
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There are people out there that exhibit behaviors that suck the energy and life out of us with their excessive negativity, gossip, and selfishness. Relationships should serve both parties equally, and when it doesn’t, it might be time to reevaluate the need for that particular relationship in your life.
Here are 8 toxic behaviors mentally strong people never tolerate.
Excessive Negativity
When you are working on creating a better life, the first thing to make an impact is a change in our thoughts. Moving from negative thought patterns to thoughts that serve us is difficult enough without being surrounded by excessive negativity.
It isn’t perfect positive thought you are after with your friends, but more the ability for your friends to recognize and move through negative thought. Being surrounded by someone who constantly expresses negative thought is disruptive to your personal growth.
Gossip
Gossip weakens relationships. Gossip is a conversation about other people and is usually malicious in intent. Gossip happens when your relationship isn’t strong or based on meaningful connection.
Make your relationships about you and the other person and avoid bringing other people into it. Pay attention to how your conversations make you feel. Chances are if you are gossiping, you won’t like the feeling.
Selfish Behaviors
If you start to examine your most successful and least successful relationships, chances are a common theme found in your least successful ones would be selfishness. Strong relationships are ones that serve both parties and do not focus on one person over the other.
It can be difficult to realize selfish behavior exists, especially when you feel like your partner is in crisis or needs your help. Both people in the relationship should be able to express their needs. You should never tolerate a relationship with someone that makes you feel bad for making your needs known.
Lack of Compassion
Life is hard – very, very hard. There is no need to make it harder by surrounding yourself with people who are not kind. And it is more than just being kind to you, it’s being kind to everyone.
Compassion is about general kindness and concern for all people, the people that matter to us and those we don’t even know. Ask yourself this, “Do you really want to surround yourself with people who have no concern for the suffering of others?”
Stubbornness
There is a little streak of stubbornness in all of us. And a little of it is a good thing, it can help us persevere and drive us to complete goals.
It is the refusal to compromise, see another point of view and the unwillingness to change; that is detrimental to a relationship. It’s important to recognize that the relationship isn’t serving you if you are doing all the compromising.
Superficial Judgements
It is one thing to look at a situation and process things based on what is happening. Then taking those perceptions and trying to make sense of them. It is a whole different thing to process what is happening based on how we think they should be.
When other people try to define actions and experiences based on their hopes for what they want, they are judging in a way that is unhealthy to us, to them and those around us.
What’s more, superficial judgments can often lead to gossip, which we already know is a behavior that doesn’t serve a relationship.
Manipulative Actions
It is the natural tendency to want to think the best of people, but it is important to be aware that there are people that will do anything to get what they want. It never feels good to be manipulated, and you might not even be aware that it is happening.
If someone is using guilt, selective memories, excessive compliments or even bullying tactics to get something they want, chances are they are trying to manipulate you. Stay true to what you know is right and don’t let someone else’s manipulative tactics influence you.
Playing the Victim
When someone plays the role of victim, it is because they do not want to take responsibility for their actions. Accepting that life is less than perfect and accepting our role in the decisions we make is an important part of being happy.
Once a victim, always a victim and when we surround ourselves with victims chances are we will become one too. It’s natural to want to explain away a failed attempt at something, and it is up to us to hold the people around us, and ourselves, accountable and challenge victim thoughts.
We make the choice, whether consciously or unconsciously, to gossip, play the victim or judge others. We also make the choice to stay in relationships only with people that exhibit the right kind of behaviors. If you are paying attention to how your relationships make you feel, more than likely you will be able to determine if the relationship is serving you.
What toxic behaviors have you stopped allowing in your life?
Source: powerofpositivity
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[ ::: ♥7 Qualities of Ethical People ]
People are ethical because of social norms, religious beliefs and laws. Ethical foundations in an individual define the way he lives the life by differentiating between right and wrong and behave in a way which improves the situation directly or indirectly however doesn’t harm it at any cost. Ethics have been defined by relevant governmental and religious authorities for several domains of life however below article occupies ‘blanket’ coverage for all norms of life.
Below are top seven qualities of highly ethical people.
1- They are Empathic: Ethical people have high degree of emotional intelligence. They understand things from multiple perspectives covering all the direct and indirect stake holders.. They seek first to understand than to be understood. They have strong observatory, listening and analytical skills to understand things deeply. This quality makes them unique which enables them to win the trust of others; consequently, people share their problems with them with open heart and seek their support.
2- They Forgive and Forget: It requires a brave heart to forgive and forget. Ethical people don’t keep grudges for long duration. They have the tendency to establish peace all the times hence keeping the brawls open does not suit them. They stay away from such complications and move ahead with life by forgiving and forgetting the matters.
3- They are Always willing to Help: Highly Ethical people always want to improve the situation regardless of their relationship with a person who is in trouble. They take either corrective, preventive or suggestive initiatives for resolving issues. Corrective approach ensures that the matter is fixed by doing some specific actions. Preventive approach guarantees that such particular matters do not appear again. They use preventive approach to reach the root cause of the issue so as to fix it permanently so as to avoid further frequency of such incidents. Suggestive methodology is used by them for guiding someone to do some specific act in order to overcome a tragic situation.
4- They are Implosive: Ethical people are not hyper sensitive or explosive personalities. They possess a cool mind and a soft heart. They avoid frequent mood swings in order to develop a consistent and stable personality. They handle indecencies with decency. They know how to ignore hard and harsh comments and still converse softly. They know how to handle idiotic situations. They have high degree of anger management skills which further empowers their implosive personality trait.
5- They Mind Their Own Business: A lot of people have the habit of having serious curiosity about every other person’s life. This habit causes them talk about people too much, spreading rumors and scattering false news in the society without any verification. Unlike those, ethical People do not interfere in others’ lives unnecessarily; they mind their own business. Ethical people understand the fact the character assassination is equally a great sin so they don’t give attention to rumors and focus on crystal clear matters; and avoid peeping into others’ personal matters.
6- They are Flexible & adaptable: The wise says, it is better to bend than to break. Ethical people possess a great deal of elasticity. They adapt themselves according to the situation. They don’t stick to one mind set. Their continuous thought process enables them to change their minds easily in order to improve a situation without making it a matter of ego. They are not stubborn at all instead portray a flexible behavior in all kind of tough situations.
7- They Do not criticize: Too much criticism is the root of several social and professional problems. Ethical people do not criticize at first place. In case they need to condemn or criticize something they follow a positive methodology to approach the relevant person and advice in a way which doesn’t hurt anyone and convey the message in an effective way.
What are the other traits of highly effective peopl
Leadership Vision –
A Critical Personality Trait for True Leaders
The young boy asked the old man, “why a fast running horse is better than the slow running horse”? The old man said, “it has developed the habit to produce more power so that it can run up to ten times faster than the slow horse” The youngster said, “and what if the horse is running in the wrong direction”? The old man smiled and said, “then definitely it has the appropriate factor to waste his efforts ten times quicker than the slower horse” The young man said, " and what if other horses are following him too" The older man said, “off course it will mislead all those horses too!” “Then why all other horses follow the faster one” “Because that attracts them but all that glitters is not gold sometimes” Article written by Junaid.Tahir
Associating this analogy with our daily life, you notice that you are surrounded by mixture of slow and fast pace personalities. Some of them are really genuine leaders and some of them are being followed blindly. Overall, here is the summary of the concept of Visionary Leaders which I suggest you to ponder:
1- If you have a slow attitude towards life (slow running horse) then you must develop the habit to produce more power in your character. You must be aware of your real goals. You must develop analytical skills, Empowered Relationships, Proactive approach and other personality traits such as Commitment, Courage, Communication Skills, Focus, Competence and Passion.
2- If you have a faster response to life and quick decision making then you must audit yourself on whether you are heading in the right direction? Not having clear goal will take you nowhere regardless of your speed and efficiency. Remember, Only hard work doesn’t guarantee the success. , the vision and strategy are the most important ingredients of the success which is acheived through consistent, productive and effective efforts in the right direction.
3- Are you following a leader? Are you sure you have a true leader? Are you sure you will not end up on the blocked road? Remember, U-turns are always possible before the dead end but consequences of U-turn will be more harsh if you don’t evaluate the situations on time and delay it to the eleventh hour.
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