Why it’s tough being a Daughter-in-law in India?
- 67962
- 49
-
- Last Comment
How to Stop the Relationships Blame Game
Most of us have learned defensiveness as a mode of survival. For some of us, this approach manifested itself in our adult minds and continues to control our lives, especially in relationships. Blaming the other person for your misery and continuing in the vicious circle of the “blame game” is not only damaging to the quality of your relationship but also unhealthy for your emotional well-being.
Suggestions
Step 1 : Understand how you contributed to the problem. Analyzing the mistakes on your part is the first step to finding a solution. There is really no soul-quenching satisfaction in proving that you are right and he is wrong. As how Louis Nizer puts it, “When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.”
Step 2 : Take responsibility for all your actions and words. Regardless of how victimized you feel, remember there are two individuals contributing to a relationship. Admit your mistakes, offer ways to correct it and avoid its recurrence.
Step 3 : Communicate your concerns without assigning responsibility or blame to the other person. Deal with issues in a calm manner instead of letting things fester without taking the time to resolve the issue.
Step 4 : Remember that you can inspire and motivate someone else to change but the initiation has to come from the other person. Criticizing and complaining, of all tactics, is not going to effect a change. A relationship should never be a power struggle about who is right.
Step 5 : Accept the other person entirely instead of having conditions and expectations. Trying to find fault will overshadow the beautiful things that are genuinely a part of your relationship.
Step 6 : Respect the other person’s point of view. Try not to assume that dealing with an issue based on your values and beliefs is the only right way to go about it. Understanding and acknowledging the other person’s outlook gives a chance to grow in love.
It is difficult, but it is an art to mix up in a totally different environment.
Every about to marry girl should take in
Just remember, there is ALL THE GREEN AHEAD 
Non-sense
Dint you see the recent video which gone viral where a DIL was beating her MIL like anything
Voted Down
@Achilles wrote:
Non-sense
Dint you see the recent video which gone viral where a DIL was beating her MIL like anything
Voted Down
Nothing can be generalised.
Its an appreciation of crores of ladies ( including our mothers) who had adjusted in new environment, raised the kids being outsiders.
Ur vd or vu is immaterial to them, which we r used to do in the pampered environment, living the life at own terms.
Its repeated
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May we all be like the COFFEE.
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
Its an appreciation of crores of ladies ( including our mothers) who had adjusted in new environment, raised the kids being outsiders.
Gone are those days, so please come into reality
You seems to be a feminist
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
Ur vd or vu is immaterial to them, …..
Wish I have power to Vote Down again and again, I don’t want to see this topic having green smileys
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
….. which we r used to do in the pampered environment, living the life at own terms.
If open for a debate on this let me know, let’s discuss tonight
Iff u and me r taking the breathe in harmony, its because of females adjustment. Perhaps we need the comfort life long.
Pl.read the first post, relationship could be sweet or could be sour, its dynamic and not fixed for everyone. Experience and background may differ, your vd 1000 times does not make any change in the universe. However, even a iota of +ve change in some1’s life matter.
The comfort of houselady provide the freedom to all members let struggle , success or perish. Contrast views r welcome, I agree laws are skewed towards females for exploitation, but more than 50% woman take the shelter of law/NGOs as a last resort.
We seen suicide/divorce/ harassment/ exploitation in the society, but we also see 100s of +ve things too.
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:…. Contrast views r welcome, I agree laws are skewed towards females for exploitation, but more than 50% woman take the shelter of law/NGOs as a last resort.
……
Let’s discuss with the stats tonight
@Achilles wrote:@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
Its an appreciation of crores of ladies ( including our mothers) who had adjusted in new environment, raised the kids being outsiders.
Gone are those days, so please come into reality
You seems to be a feminist@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
Ur vd or vu is immaterial to them, …..
Wish I have power to Vote Down again and again, I don’t want to see this topic having green smileys@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
….. which we r used to do in the pampered environment, living the life at own terms.
If open for a debate on this let me know, let’s discuss tonight
Ek vd mera lelo
Trans: 哦呢 百度 放 没用 死的
Everyone talks about women being harassed but has anyone try to find the roots of it why they are being harassed? In most of the cases men are not involved straight. Women by nature has the problem of controlling everything around them no matter whether it is their father, later in life their husband and people attached with him or again their children (especially if they are boys). Many women do accept this fact that they want space but when it comes to giving space to others, they are still in stone ages.
Take a case: When a new women arrives in someone’s home after marriage the first one to have a problem is mother of the boy i.e MIL as she start feeling insecure of losing the power. With everyday passes she brainwashes her own husband for DIL and also her child and fill them with hatred for that new women. Then it starts to harassment of new women.
In many cases, quarrels and rifts are there because of wastage of money by DIL or DIL not allowing her husband to spend a penny on their parents. So this comes under greed for money.
In other cases if a girl comes with lots of gifts and money or gold she start thinking to be the boss of the home and behave with family of husband like they are servants.
The irony is harassment of DIL by in-laws is a crime but reverse is not a crime. Men has to look for a new home because of fight between MIL and DIL.
Two brothers fighting over money or getting separate because their respective wives don’t want to be together.
The unfortunate thing with India and around the world is women are untouchable and they are not accountable for any problem and it is only men who is responsible for everything bad and good has exclusive rights to women.
Where is this controlling nature comes from: The girl since her childhood sees her mother controlling everything in their home or even her grandmother. This make them think men are idiot and useless and they can’t do anything on their own. This thing stays with them throughout life.
Time has changed and men is bigger sufferer then women these days but as they say nobody talks about it as men has no right to object. Even if you stare at HISTORY, you will find problems were actually with women that lead to even extinction of whole families.
They talk of equal rights here. If a men leaves women because of her cruel nature he has to shell out hell lot of money and if a women leaves a men even then men has to pay cost for her living
In my own home I have seen this though there is nothing like physical torture exist here but mental sufferings are here because of fight between my grandmother and mother and in most cases nobody wins and the one who lose his peace is my father and us.
Women unites for cruelty also. All the women if when they know their counterpart is wrong will speak for her as they know when they need it, somebody will also come and stand for their cruel acts.
There is lot more I can share and can even write a book on it but who will listen as I am a man.
One more-
A man earnings has its bigger part for his family and women earning has more to do with her own luxuries
I won’t say all women are bad. There are some who think like men also and leads a life that do justice to them and people related with them and for me they are real women.
Anything wrong that happens to a women is because of other women and not men. A father never ever differentiate between a child but a birth of a girl pinches her mother more as after that the father will try to save more for her and luxury of the mother will suffer because of this. A boy birth is wished more by women then a men.
Whatever you say, this WORLD IS GOING TOWARDS ITS EXTINCTION JUST FOR A NEW START
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
@Achilles
Iff u and me r taking the breathe in harmony, its because of females adjustment. Perhaps we need the comfort life long.
Pl.read the first post, relationship could be sweet or could be sour, its dynamic and not fixed for everyone. Experience and background may differ, your vd 1000 times does not make any change in the universe. However, even a iota of +ve change in some1’s life matter.
The comfort of houselady provide the freedom to all members let struggle , success or perish. Contrast views r welcome, I agree laws are skewed towards females for exploitation, but more than 50% woman take the shelter of law/NGOs as a last resort.
.
I completely agree with @jhinkees comments
Looks like you’re still living in 1990’s era..Boss this is 21st century!!!
95% of women are misusing the laws.The remaining 5% are those who actually suffered but may not approach law
Go & check lawyersclubindia.com & check family law sub-forum,I bet you will see around 5-6 queries regarding maintenance,498a & DV cases in the 1st page itself.
I myself has seen around 3-4 families (in my known contacts) being destroyed due to these idiotic laws.All marriage laws will talk of DIL only.They don’t care about FIL,MIL,BIL,SIL or even about husband.
SC wakes up from sleep if anything goes wrong with women.But will be sleeping incase of other issues.I hope you’re aware of politics going on suicide of Rohith Vemula.He is the one of the guys who agitated against hanging of Yakub Memon which directly implies challenging SC verdict.Now the politicians added caste politics to it & mindless students started agitation across country.Can anyone tell why SC is keeping mum now?
CC @Achilles
Barood – See these videos, come out of your opinion about DIL’s
This is very latest, happened 2 weeks ago
Shocking videos, but theae are extreme and exceptions, if we generalise them, how the society will function ?
Every boy will be scared to marry ! Illiteracy , greed, wealth and excess of power r rootcause of crime in addition to lust. Balanced people or common man/woman like us should not indulge in such practices except rage or breakup.
It will be stark contrast for me too see the Gen Y indulge to the extreme like Hritik , Farhan etc, exceptions r always there. All girls can’t behave badly, so those of u r yet to marry, Dont be scared.
Dont be carried away with pinky pinky love, let the judicious and @sence prevail.
I am not countering any1a views/ experiences, I am just putting -
1 a word of appreciation for woman we have successfully crossed the difficult phase of adjustment after marriage and let the family prosper. ( millions +) despite the double Hatting, pressure of produxing male child , money problem etc.
2- realise the importance of woman power, we r (married male) happy , comfortable just because of woman allowing us for so, as long as they r not misusing their position. ( law advantage) . so, we r sitting on atom bomb, which can explode on any spark, Dont allow or create such circumstances like ghar wali baharwali.
3- choose your future partner wisely, Dont @sparkles on Hot looks, flashy dresses or @chikni talks.
Better evaluate with future needs and consider gut feelings for ur family values, support for ur professional development, raising the kids, realistic targets of life /money ( bcoz dreams will be pinky and purple), grey shades of character, upbringing and nature of her parents etc.
Dil dena khel hai dildar ka..!
@Beinghuman @dealyogi
@iamspl.xxx @RDX
@devashi @mahidada
@srocks @Dealmafia
@cancob @Maxxx
@B@R_0_0_D wrote:
Shocking videos, but theae are extreme and exceptions, if we generalise them, how the society will function ?
Every boy will be scared to marry ! Illiteracy , greed, wealth and excess of power r rootcause of crime in addition to lust. Balanced people or common man/woman like us should not indulge in such practices except rage or breakup.
It will be stark contrast for me too see the Gen Y indulge to the extreme like Hritik , Farhan etc, exceptions r always there. All girls can’t behave badly, so those of u r yet to marry, Dont be scared.
Dont be carried away with pinky pinky love, let the judicious and @sence prevail.
I am not countering any1a views/ experiences, I am just putting -
1a word of appreciation for woman we have successfully crossed the difficult phase of adjustment after marriage and let the family prosper. ( millions +) despite the double Hatting, pressure of produxing male child , money problem etc.
2- realise the importance of woman power, we r (married male) happy , comfortable just because of woman allowing us for so, as long as they r not misusing their position. ( law advantage) . so, we r sitting on atom bomb, which can explode on any spark, Dont allow or create such circumstances like ghar wali baharwali.
3- choose your future partner wisely, Dont @sparkles on Hot looks, flashy dresses or @chikni talks.
Better evaluate with future needs and consider gut feelings for ur family values, support for ur professional development, raising the kids, realistic targets of life /money ( bcoz dreams will be pinky and purple), grey shades of character, upbringing and nature of her parents etc.
-—-
Dil dena khel hai dildar ka..!
@Beinghuman @dealyogi
@iamspl.xxx @RDX
@devashi @mahidada
@srocks @Dealmafia
@cancob @Maxxx
Hum ye wala game khelte hi nhi
barood sir are you married??
Very well said totally agree…
One vd from my side.
Already gender based law effecting MALE lifes.
@mdeal001 wrote:
barood sir are you married??
Very well said totally agree…
Of course, jus like your 17 dimes/ years.
As as I said in my previous post,you’re not aware what happened post 2000.If you have a son who is going to be married soon,then you may understand.You may go to police station/court in your area & ask how many 498a/maintenance(125 CrPC) /DV cases are being filed every month.
1. Forget marriage.Even if you confront a girl about her affairs post engagement, you can be dragged to court because she puts up a case that she is being abused,threatened.You’re required to pay lakhs of rupees for the turmoil she has been undergoing.In addition she can add you/your parents are demanding dowry for marriage & she/her family lost respect in the society because her marriage got stopped due to this evil thing.You need to pay for that too.
2.If you’re in live-in relationship,you’re bound to suffer.If the girl cheats & you caught her red handed,she can put a rape case against you.In addition dowry case follows.All your earnings will be gone.
3. I heard about some atrocious judgments where if husband cheats,they are jailed & has to pay damages to wife.If wife cheats,its the entire fault of husband.Why??? Just because you neglected her, she got attracted to another man 
Still you need to look after her needs if she files maintenance case & she gets share in your properties.Meanwhile your life will be over in trying to prove your innocence.There are thousands of husbands suffering silently fearing loss of reputation in the society.
4. Maintenance cases (MC) will be neglected by husbands as they look like small amounts initially.But you need to pay it till your/her death/another marriage after divorce.I heard 2 weeks back a woman who is earning 65k per month has put MC on her husband who is on-site.The court ordered her husband to pay 1L/month as he is earning in $.There are charges for emotional turmoil a women has faced.Once you pay 2L/5L/or whatever depending on your status,surprisingly that turmoil disappears instantly.
5.All the police/courts/NGO’s support women (not the truth) in every case.You need to bribe them/compromise & pay your wife heavily to get out of these false cases (yes…I’m saying it openly)
6.Till june2014 a simple complaint from girl/girl’s family is enough to put you/your family behind bars without any investigation.Be ready to get in news after this happens.Your social image will be destroyed in a day.
7.Divorce industry is bigger than bollywoood in India.All your hard earned money will be gone if you get a bunch of papers (read order) from court.
8.Children will be used pawns in extorting money.They will be brain washed (ill) about their father & his parents.
I can add some more but it would look like I’m misogynist.I remember @DJRohan is associated with some men’s rights organisations.He may add up.I’m silent tagging some of the dimers who suffered because of these false cases.
You may check the following for more info:
www.49...rg
www.lawyersclubind...om
http://mensrightsassociati...rg
www.saveindianfamil...g/
@B@R_0_0_D you are far away from the reality of posting such women centric post.
few of lines really hurt me, specially this:
“taking the breathe in harmony, its because of females adjustment”
Don’t you have a role here ? Do you only see females adjustment here ?. You don’t adjust ? Do post the other part of adjustments too..
I am not against any gender. I just want it to be equally slotted when you speak of both genders. Else you are mentioning your biased views…
@DealLooter Bro, I have not suffered as I am not married and will never be as since childhood I decided against it and have lived my life accordingly. But my elder brother is married and her wife is taking all the advantage to get her wishes fulfilled at any cost. She always try to threaten my brother/mother by saying she will file a case if he don’t do what she says and blah blah blah. Being a housewife she don’t work at all. Always watching TV or eating food. She don’t even clean her own room. She is not a genuine one like many. Once her parents came and my parents let them know about her attitude and instead of saying something to her, they started blaming us and said my daughter is not happy here as you people are not good and they will take her back with them and call the police. That hurted everyone of us and we started avoiding her completely and don’t care about what she do or not as she has manipulated even her parents. My brother is a simple clean heart person and you know what this world do with good people. Whatever talks goes around in our home is transferred over by this cruel women to her parents and she lies to great limits as sometimes I heard her telling lies. My brother can’t even ask her to do a job as again she threatens. Such a lazy lady who want to take advantage of law so that she don’t have to work. My brother thought about divorce but alimony as told by lawyer is not in his reach. She earns good but leading a wasteful life with that lady.
She don’t even respect anyone and talks like we are liable to her. During marriage my family clearly asked them not to give any gifts and we don’t have a system here of taking it. So genuine people she got in us but yet she disrespect.
The worst thing my family did while fixing the marriage is they didn’t inquired anything about the girl and her family and now suffering is on
Barood says in topic that DIL is taken as an outsider but I don’t know why girls keep transferring talks of in-laws to their parents like an ISI agent? Do they accept in-laws ever or take themselves as their own? The biggest culprit is the mother of girl who keep interfering in her life and never stop it. As I said women has the problem of controlling and they want to control everyone. I don’t know how many homes become hell because of an interfering girl’s mother.
I never ever had any contact with any girl outside my relatives throughout my life. Even I studied in Co-Ed from childhood days, I always distanced myself from girls and even in college not even a single word exchanged during 4 years of B.Tech and now I consider myself to be really lucky. I have no attraction towards humans especially girls and maybe something was did wrong to me in my previous births.
The best time of my family was when my brother was not married. As I told before that my mother and grandmother also fight sometimes but they are of older generation and neither of them are greedy and we can’t really say we are suffering because of their fight as they become one again.
Now things are normal as we don’t care about her anymore and living our lives separately.
@jhinkees Pls read my post carefully.I silent tagged the dimers who suffered
You’re in CC
@DealLooter wrote:
@jhinkees Pls read my post carefully.I silent tagged the dimers who suffered
You’re in CC
I understand that but was trying to tell I am lucky not to be one of them. 
I remember one incident. Way back during my Post-Graduation days, I was treating a young lady who was facing major depression because of in-laws related harassment. While discussing my progress, a senior of mine said – “Spend some extra-time on this case, You are going to come across hundreds if not thousands of them in your life..”
If you ask me Today, even I would give the same advice to any young counselor/psychiatrist.
Irrespective of your religion, caste or creed.. Here are
5 OUTRAGEOUSLY IDIOTIC THOUGHT PROCESS, which lead to “psychological, physical and financial abuse” of a Daughter-in-law in India -
1. “Outsider Tag” – The main reason for evil, is the lack of acceptance of a daughter-in-law as part of the family. Every day I meet and counsel families who “keep a daughter-in-law” out of a discussion.
I have heard thousands of stories of how the husband and his parents, talk secretly in a room while the daughter-in-law is made to watch TV, because she is an “outsider”…
The really ironic part is that, when I asked some of such people what they thought about “untouchability”, they had these really “amazing answers”.. But they failed to realize the same behaviour in their own home!
2. Insecure Parents – One of the most common lines I come across in counseling parents – “that woman took away our son”.
It’s time to accept it, most Indian parents are selfish. So let’s keep the “selfless love tag aside”.
They “invest” time, money and love on a son.. So he can repay by taking care of them in their old-age. The finer print to this is – They expect him to behave like an obedient 5yr old kid till they die!!
They just get insecure when he starts to take his own decisions. Decisions that will revolve around his “selfishness” for his own family.
Have you heard the saying – what you throw into the universe, comes back to you magnified!!
3. No guidance through Adjustment phase – Have you ever heard about Adjustment phase or Adjustment disorder?
In most probability you don’t even have the faintest Idea what it is. Adjustment phase is the time it takes the mind to adjust into a new environment. Adjustment disorder is very high levels of sadness, fear, depression and anxiety that one suffers, if the adjustment phase fails. In great majority of cases this disorder requires medicines for cure.
The adjustment phase for daughter-in-law in Indian setup, would be anywhere between 1 – 2years.
How much time is given to her for adjusting? – So-called PROGRESSIVE households say – 1or maximum 2 month is more than enough.
During this time, no one guides her. She has to learn on her own.
Now as you can logically deduce, the failure of adjustment phase leads the brain of many ladies into clinical levels of depression and anxiety.- this is manifested as fear, sadness, anger, irritation!!
TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY – how do Indian household take care of this depression/anxiety.. Another IDIOTIC thought is seeped in – Have a child!! Everything will be fine!! – No doubt we have reached 1.2 billion..and mental health illness is growing exponentially every year!!
4. Everyone loves the Dark Side – It doesn’t matter how rich or powerful you are. It takes a lot of inner strength to stand against the Regressive thought process of society. I have seen mother in-laws who treat their daughter-in-laws like “slaves”. They decide on her daily routine, feel pride in giving her “holidays” and hand over a list of things she “demands” her parents to provide.
All this Stupidity is done in the name of “SOCIAL RULES”.
Hardly a marginal percentage of people stand against this.. why?
Because it’s so easy to like the negative.
Remember in childhood you were taught – Bad habits come easily and are very difficult to go.!
Its so natural to like the dark side.. and as a big Joke.. Everyone prays to GOD for more of it!!!
5. Husband is still a boy not a man – Most men take a lot of time to mature. Maturity isn’t related to physical age, but your mental outlook. Most men behave as small boys, who are happy outsourcing their responsibilities to their parents.
A great number of men find marriage a legal way being physical someone to talk to and roam around with.
Most don’t have the maturity to understand the emotional and social responsibility they have towards their wife.
Most are not ready to accept the changes that life demands once they get married. Most men cannot stand up to their mother or father and fight for their wife. But they have on great trait, they create amazing “excuses” to run away from this responsibility.
There are 5 additional issues, which affect a daughter-in-law. These are -
1. Difference in rules for Own Daughter vs those for Daughter-in-law.
2. Passive aggression – when In-laws slowly their own son/daughter relationship through gossiping, unnecessary intervention and rigid rules.
3. Turbulent past of Mother-in-law and how it changes her present brain-behaviour pattern. Due to her own turbulent past.
4. Parents of the “daughter-in-law”. – love vs. social laws.
5. having a girl child doesn’t mean you are blessed or cursed.. It’s change in your attitude that matters, else be prepared for a repeat!
If you like this article, do share it… lets together bring some change in the society!
written by -
Dr.Hemant Mittal (Social Influencer and Motivational writer
— @Sherl @kanz
@vishusgh @sparkles
@Bulwark @Ashwin
@Tejaa @cuteangel
@Sungleams @Born Legend
@TRAVOLTA @Dealmafia
@dhoni @asoka
@mdeal001 @RDX
@cancob @saymyname
@raj0390 @Plato @@muxdumux@@
@ankurjpr @rajdesidime
@lekhwani @marketdimer
@dealyogi
@Beinghuman @mahidada
@Atlantic @viSH
@onlyrocky