British humour

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

If you have a “Magnetic” personality and
yet people don’t get attracted to you – it’s not your fault.
They have “Iron” deficiency in their bodies.

Indian Election jokes

For the first time in Indian elections, Congress and BJP are campaigning using the same slogan:
“Congress ko vote doge to Rahul PM banega!”

Sonia: How was the interview, beta?
Rahul: Mom, all the questions were out of the syllabus.

At an election rally, Narendra Modi shouts he will end inflation, get double digit growth,
beat China as a regional power, end corruption, defeat terrorism and make India a superpower.
Then he shouts out, ‘Ab ki baar…’
And the crowd shouts back…, ’PC Sorcerer.’ (magician)

Do not get irritated if you receive blank calls on your phone.
It is Prime Minister Dr Man Maun Singh campaigning.

L.K. Advani virus: This virus pops up every now and then, and the only way you can continue working is by typing Jai Shri Ram 108 times.

Modi for Vision
Rahul for Division
Kejriwal for Television
Third Front for Confusion

Shall we replace all “U turn” signs in Delhi with:
images of Arvind Kejriwal
and
“No Horn” with Man Maun Singh?

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him… She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,

‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry…
How soon I can go home?’

Did you know:

• The pleasure of romance in the dark is 10 times more than when the light is ON.

• Taking shower together with your partner increases your love by 20 times.

A mother’s letter to her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive.

I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won’t recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn’t working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven’t seen them since!

About your father – he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Alzheimer’s disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year’s Day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes – your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother’s funeral wasn’t made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is.

When you marry the right LADY, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong LADY, you are FINISHED.

And when the right LADY catches you with the wrong LADY, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED

Don’t you just know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business?

When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand you can now get you own back!!!

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

“Hi darling it’s Peter, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting – no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
“Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed !!”

Han’s, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han’s.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the front line work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Han’s and says that she’s the best in the house and is available.
She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Han’s leans forwards and whispers in her ear:

“Can I pay with Euros?

—