The Nagging Better-half and the family Ass

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her…………………..dead on the spot !!

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,
he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked,
or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’

‘And what about the men?’ the minister asked.

‘They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’

Have you ever experienced this?

Man outside the phone booth:
Excuse me, You’ve holding the phone since 20 minutes & you haven’t spoken a word..!!!

Man inside:
I’m talking to my wife !!

Those of you who are married may have notiecd that there is rhyme and reason to every marriage, and you must adjust in order to make it work. Here are 10 rules for marriage that you should definitely check out!

1. Every relationship was ordained from above, but then again, so do hurricanes…

2. If you want your wife to listen to every word you say – talk in your sleep!

3. Marriage start and end the same: You kneel to get into them and get down on both knees to get out of them.

4. Married life has an order to it.�

In the first year, the husband speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the wife speaks and the husband listens.
In the third year, both speak and the neighbors listen…
�
�
5. When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure either the car is new, or the wife is new!

6. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one single entity. The trouble start when they try to decide what kind of entity it is…

7. Before the wedding, a woman will stay up all night thinking about what the man said. After the wedding, the woman will fall asleep before he�can finish the sentence.
�
8. Every man wants a beautiful, smart, understanding wife who loves to cook. The problem is making sure those 4 women never meet…

9. Marriage is a matter of chemistry, that is the reason couples treat each other like nuclear waste…

10. A man isn’t complete until he gets married, then he’s through!

One day he will look at this picture and laugh as hard as us.

पति के साथ प्यार से कैसे रहें ’:
=======

उपरोक्त विषय पर
औरतों का एक सेमीनार
हो रहा था। उनसे एक
सवाल किया गया कि आप
अपने पति से
कितना प्यार करती हैं?

सभी औरतों ने अपने हाथ
उठा दिए।

अगला सवाल था, “आपने
अपने पति को I LOVE YOU
कब बोला था?”

किसी ने आज सुबह,
किसी ने पिछले कल,
किसी ने कुछ दिन पहले
बताया और कुछ
को तो याद भी नहीं था।

अब उनसे अपने-अपने
मोबाइल से अपने
पति को ‘I LOVE YOU,
SWEET HEART’ मैसेज भेजने
को कहा गया और आपस में
एक दूसरे को उनके पति के
जवाब को पढ़ने के लिए
कहा गया।

पतियों के जवाब में मैसेज
कुछ ऐसे थे :

1. मेरे
बच्चों की प्यारी माँ, तू
पागल हो गई है क्या?

2. अब क्या हो गया ? कार
तो नहीं ठोक दी?

3. क्या मतलब?

4. ??

5. क्या कर दिया है तुमने?
इस बार नहीं छोडूंगा तुझे।

6. क्या खरीदने
जा रही हो, डार्लिंग?
कितने पैसे चाहिए?

7. सपना तो नहीं देख
रहा हूँ मैं?

8. अरे मैडम! यह मैसेज
गलती से तो मुझे नहीं भेज
दिया?

9. सुबह ही तुम कह
रही थी कि कहीं जाना है,
ज्यादा तो नहीं पी ली है
तुमने ?

और अंत में एक साहब
का मैसेज तो यह भी था

10. कौन

Wife: I love you baby..
Husband: (softly) i love you too..

Wife: Aise kyun bola..??
Husband: Bas thoda mood off tha..

Wife: Doston ke saath to bade khush rehte ho, aur mere saath hi drame..
Husband: (pyar se) Aisa kuch nahi jaanu, tabiyat thodi theek nahi hai..

Wife: Haan abhi dost phone karega to 2 sec me tabiyat theek ho jayegi..
Husband: Dost kahan se aa gaye, mera mood thoda upset hai bas..

Wife: Mere saath hi ye sab hota hai, friends ke saath enjoy karte ho, badi has has k pictures click karwate ho. Ya koi aur ladki pasand aa gayi..??
Husband: (aur jyada pyar se) arrey, kahan se kahan baat le jaa rahi ho..?

Wife: Aaj sab clear hoga!!
Husband: Kya clear karna hai jaanu, aisa kya ho gaya..??

Wife: (khud confused) Jab tum khud clear nahi, tumhe kuch pata nahi to me kya bolun..!!
Husband: (trying to act smart) Tumhe hua kya hai!! kis baat pe upset ho?? Batao!!

Wife: Tumhari sangat hi kharab hai!!
Husband: Mere saath to tum ho!!

Wife: Ab bohot ho gaya, ab aur nahi!!
Husband: (fully crashed) Hua kya hai, ye to bata do..

Wife: Hum ab saath nahi reh sakte?..
Husband: Ye baat kahan se aayi?..

Wife: i want Divorce..
Husband: Hmmmm ok?..

Wife: (gone crazy) Haan, yehi chahte ho tum to, fir tum jo marzi kar sako..
Husband: Arrey tumne khudne bola abhi, maine kya galat kaha..

Wife: Itni problem thi to bola kyun nahi, me khud bina bole chali jaati tumhari life se..
Husband: (apne baal pakad kar) Mujhe meri galti to bata do..

Wife: Waqt aane pe pata chalegi tumhe apne aap, jab me chali jaungi..
Husband: Acha, to me wait karta hoon sahi waqt ka..

Wife: Tum serious kab hoge..??
Husband: Ab kya hospital me admit ho jaun serious hone k liye?..

Wife: Go to hell..!!
Husband: Dont call me again?..

AFTER 3 HOURS..

Wife: Tumhe pata hai na me tumhare bina nahi reh sakti jaanu, sorry i love you my baby..
Husband: (Sab bhool kar) Acha, i love you tooo

Wife: upset kyun lag rahe ho?…………… !!!!.

Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. 
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.😅
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. 

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room it wasn’t there..

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.🚘
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.🔐
His theory is that the car will be stolen. 
Immediately I rushed to the parking lot,I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. 

I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these. 😻😻"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." 🙀🙀

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”👺👺

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car

A birth certificate shows you were born
A death certificate shows you have died.

A photo album shows you have lived.

100 Words From An Enemy Does
Not Cause Pain

But…

A Lovable Person’s Silence
Makes More Pain Tears In The
Heart..!!

Once a lady decides to celebrate her birthday by
staying at a Luxury hotel.

The next day when the
lady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a
bill for $250/-. She is taken aback looking at the
bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big
bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with
a customer.

He says ‘’Mam, we have so many facilities for our
customer to use Free of cost such as Spa,
Swimming pool, Gym etc., so thats why all the
charges are included in it.’’

The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why
should i pay.

Manager says – Thats your fault, but you have to
pay.

The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

The manager says this is only $50 what about the
balance $200.

The lady replies, $200 for you sleeping with
me in the night.

Manager – But i haven’t slept with you.

Lady – Thats your fault, I was here full night and
you could have used me, if you didn’t, thats your
fault, i am sorry for you and walked away from the
hotel with every1 looking at her amazed.

Moral: moral-voral kuch nahi,aunty bohot shaani
thi..

Wife: U had lunch?

Husband(in fun mood) : U had lunch?

Wife : Im asking u.
Husband : Im asking u.

Wife: U copying me?
Husband: U copying me?

Wife: Lets go shopping
h1. Husband: I had lunch

He argued… She argued…
He shouted… She shouted… and then She cried

Result: she won by Duckworth-Lewis method )

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman.. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: ‘Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.’

Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special’

Cabbie: ’There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.’

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.’

Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’

Cabbie: ‘Well…I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow (wife.)’

Husband: Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life..
In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

i told her : Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I’d much rather die’.

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration
towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable tv, & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer from the fridge…

I ALMOST DIED!!

Moral :
Think about what you talk, The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male’s.

Wife to Husband: Suppose karo ki I start understanding you from now.!!!

Husband: (hastey hastey zameen par gir Gaya) mere se to ‘Suppose’ bhi nahi ho raha ..

Arguing with your wife is like killing the mosquito on your cheek you might or might not kill it, but you’ll still end up slapping yourself!😛
A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee

Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.

Husband: He does not have an actor brother

Wife: What about Bruce Lee

Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Husband: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.

Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It’s a free hit.

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a ‘ free’ hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying ‘HI’ to?

Husband: He is signalling a ‘Bye’.

Wife: Why is he saying ‘Bye’. Is the game over?

Wife: How many runs to win?

Husband: 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball

Husband turns off the TV.

Wife turns it on and watches ‘Saraswasti Chandra’

Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?

Wife: Don’t you dare disturb me . . .

I typed MARRIED.
It auto corrected to MARTYRED …
Then I typed SHAADI…
It auto corrected to SHAHEED …
Damn !!!
These smart phones have gained too much intelligence..